From Where I Last Left Off

Sometimes beginnings are the hardest to write. I mean I must admit, it took me several minutes to contemplate how I should begin this post mainly due to

                                                 a) I'm bad at new beginnings &

                                                         b) I was testing out whether or not my nail polish was dry enough to start typing. 

So far, the latter has been holding up- I have yet to smudge my brand new painted white nails- but I guess the first part still holds some truth to it.

I always write about new beginnings (refer to multiple past posts about working to change my life, starting a new health habit etc.) and many times, I find myself feeling so incredibly guilty for not sticking with that change. But who came blame me? In a constant obsession need to reflect on my life, reevaluate its meaning and then rework it to fit my goals and aspirations, I most often face this internal struggle to find happiness and be content with where I am. Questions like-

• Do I really want to teach? Can I even do this? (This is usually accompanied with flashbacks of poor teaching experiences or future anxieties worse than coming to class with only your underwear on)
• Will I ever be ready to move out? And more importantly, will be family be alright without me? 
• Will I ever just be content with my body? (Although, to tell you the truth I am 95% of the time okay with my handles of love)
• Will I ever find a way to not be so angry? To be so self-criticizing? 
• Am I happy?

-reoccur greatly in my mind, and I truthfully wonder if I will ever find an answer to these questions. Maybe I will...and then maybe I won't. But what I have now come to realize is my problem is not found in these questions but in the mere fact that I can never seem to be happy with where I am. In the present moment. Now.

I took a course in OISE that talked about meditation and mindfulnessness and in actuality, I learned a great deal about myself over the course of a few months. To begin we first had to complete a survey asking us different questions like:

1. How often do you put your earphones on and not pay attention to what is going on around you?
2. How often do you think about what you're eating, while you eat?
3. How much time do you spend thinking about the past or the future? 

The answers didn't really surprise me as I knew that for much of my life, I was always either worried about the future or fretting over past mistakes. I also realized that I almost always wear headphones and that when I eat food, I eat like a monster truck. But, what I did learn was something very valuable for me as a learner: The value of being in the present.

The present is:

                                                     Being here. Don't worry about what is yet to come.

                                                 Don't feel guilty about things you have to do. Be what may.

                                                       Appreciate what you have now instead of idealizing what you may have.

                                                                        See happiness as a way of life, not a destination.

This all isn't to say that you shouldn't prepare for the future or to keep constantly try to reinvent yourself, but instead it's about understanding the need to take the time to be happy now, exactly where you are as exactly where you should be. Whether that's working to pay yourself out of debt, travelling the world, being unsure of your career. It's okay to always want to start new beginnings but if you keep trying to start something new, then you can never appreciate the "now." 

Thus, instead of building new beginnings, build the who you are right now. 

                              Don't be different...be constructive. Allow yourself, who you are today, to be
                      the building blocks of your future self. See your "today" self as someone important too.

So as I conclude this post and seeing as my nails are now nice and dry, think about instead of always writing a new beginning to your life...pick up where you last left off. There is a great quote that comes from Eat, Pray, Love that really sheds light on this belief and is something I'd like to leave you with:

"The other problem with all this swinging through the vines of thought is that you are never where you are. You are always digging in the past or poking at the future, but rarely do you rest in this moment. It's something like the habit of my dear friend Susan, who-whenever she sees a beautiful place- exclaims in her near panic, 'It's so beautiful! I want to come back here someday!' and it takes all of my persuasive powers to try to to convince her that she is already here. If you're looking for union with the divine, this kind of forward/backward whirling is a problem. There's a reason they call God a presence- because God is right here, right now. In the present is the only place to find Him, and now is the only time."

At Ends

Boiling down to my last year in my university experience and holy hell, I am now starting to succumb to my very worst fears...is this what I want to do with my life?

Having heard countless confessions from my friends, I've always had the reassuring confidence that yes, I definitely want to be a teacher when I grow up. Well I've grown up, and does that statement still hold true? The simple fact of the matter is yes, well of course I imagine myself giving only the best lessons while balancing my social life with my life in the classroom. But the question is, am I cut out for this?

Seeing as I always compare myself to my fellow peers in my program, I only feel discouragement and worry knowing that my experience working with kids fails in comparison to many others. Counselor at camp? Heck no, my parents couldn't even afford to send me to one as a kid. Taught abroad? I can't even do my own laundry. Any paid experience whatsoever working with kids? Does selling children winter coats count?

The truth of the matter is, how do I even know I enjoy teaching? In all honesty, although student teaching a grade 1 classroom brings so many heart warm memories, these thoughts are also accompanied with late night lesson planning and dreading to wake up in the morning. And at this point I really can't tell....do I hate what I do? Or do I just lack the self-confidence for it?

This week, this theory has been tested as I recently got an interview as a group facilitator for after school activities around the GTA. The program sounded awesome- develop team building games for children that helped them to develop their social skills and character traits- only...it came with a catch. For the second part of my interview I would have to develop an activity to teach10 people competing for the same position as me.Talk about pressure. So now, I just don't want to go through it.

And here's why:

1. I am socially shy and usually blush at any chance to stand in front of an audience...so throw me in front of people my age/older competing for the same job and I'd be a trembling tomato.
2. I really don't feel like lesson planning...does that suck or what? That's pretty much what my job entails me to do and I dread it. (So does that mean I shouldn't be a teacher?)

I feel like my desire to not go through with this interview is due to either of this options...or maybe (probably) both of the reasons mentioned above. Socially awkward? Check. Lazy at the moment? Double Check. And yes, I want to teach yooooooouuuuurrr children! (woohoo)

So in all honesty, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm scared, lazy and frankly really anxious not knowing if teaching is what I can commit myself to do. Maybe I just need more experience being a group leader in a safer setting? But wasn't that the whole point of applying for this job? 

I seriously need to spend some quality zen-time with myself and reevaluate my plan. Because right now, I'm at ends.xo

Under Reno

Hi lovelies (I seriously do not know who I am addressing in these blog spots, seeing as half of the things I write are for my own sanity) but despite the chance of looking like a sick case of Mona from Pretty Little Liars (refer to split personality disorder) I guess it was about time I started blogging again.

I can't express how unhappy or stressed I've felt over the past few months. With my last year of university looming right over the corner and the prospect of becoming an elementary school teacher within my grasp, I cannot help but contemplate where the choices in my life are taking me and in what direction my life is spiralling into. There is no doubt in my mind that I will be successful, that I will make something of myself one day. But seeing as how things are going, I just don't think the choices or thereby, the lack of choices, I've been making have been in any way shape or form beneficial to the ideal life I wish to create. And that is why I've decided to go "under reno."

I don't ever think someone can change over night, but one can learn to start making changes despite the constant whirlwinds and friggin tornadoes life seems to offer. "So we beat on, boats against the current..."   yes, so you get my drift (see what I did there?). Anyways, one thing that has become more and more apparent day by day is:

• If you are working for money, you are working for the wrong reason. 

I know that seems kind of biased, but it's what I believe. Today I finally gave in my 2 week resignation after my manager pretty much scolded me for not selling enough credit cards to our customers. Plain fact is, I just hate retail. And there is absolutely no reason for me to working it either. I do not want want to be a sales associate when I grow up. I don't want to be a buyer, manager or fashion designer. And while I have acquired a lot of amazing skills in my 5 years working clothing retail, there is no opportunity for me to move into teaching. The only reason I stay, and frankly keep returning to retail, is for the money, to pay for my excessive eating and shopping habits. And so, in spite of the fact that my parents are calling me a quitter I'd like to think of this change as something as I have been wanting  needing to do for a while. I need to find opportunities that will allow me to grow, not stump me. And this just was not it. Was it difficult writing that 2 week notice? Sure. But what's more difficult is staying at a job where I was not happy, and where I couldn't see myself in the near future. I'm still young so...can I still quote "YOLO"? Well I just did.

Till next post, find what makes you happy. And if that happiness only comes in a type currency, maybe it's time for some recalculation.

PS. GIRL PUT IN WORK, GIRL PUT IN WORK (for the right reasons may I add!)

I Sound Sadder Than I Actually Am

The course of retail never did run smooth...said no one ever. But as I fold the never ending array of Calvin Klein seamless thongs and other lace contraptions that make me cringe as a young adult woman, I can't help but wonder where my life is going at this job. Obviously, this isn't my life career (having said that big brownie points to me for surviving my 4th year in university!), but even for the time being, why am I spending time at an occupation in which I have no joy or interest in doing? If life is indeed this "short" as people proclaim, shouldn't I be indulging myself in something that will provide me with happiness, even if that something is a part-time job to pay for my shopping habits? Regardless, I can't say I'm sad, because well life is too beautiful to have such an outlook! But I do admit, I hope I can find something a little more substantial and perhaps even connected to my future career of teaching young children. Anyways, I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend and doing something that they love! Till next time, I must now go get ready to unpack more CK underwear out of countless brown boxes xo

Just a little something something that has been glued to my ears since...well yesterday :D

Safe Haven

This is how I imagine life very soon, very soon...I am going somewhere in this life.

New Year, New Beginnings

Resolutions. What an odd word used to bring in and describe the new year since it typically means to make a decision to do or not do something. For many, this means hitting the gym 5 times a week or completely cutting junk food out of their diets. For others, it is putting in the effort to learn how to cook or finally completing a last minute project in your home. But if you really think about it, a resolution should be exactly what the word resolution is composed of and that is finding more or multiple solutions. Honestly, I don't think that cutting things out of our lives or introducing strange and extreme things/activities is necessarily healthy. Our bodies need time to adjust and accommodate to change. So instead, the new year should be about constant reflection, reassessment, evaluation and not only about introductions and eliminations. It should be about transformations we want for the remainder of our lives and not only a few months. It is about finding "re-solutions" to cope with this vast and ever changing world. Needless to say, my new years resolution consists of much needed rest and relaxation, appreciating and taking care of my body, meditation and a little lesson on patience. So here's wishing you a happy new year and many more to come. xo

Top 5 Things I Survived As A Child

1. Switching from white bread to whole wheat- Tell me, how many of you have gone through this and thought you would die without white bread? Okay...maybe not die, but become severely food deprived due to a reluctance to eat anything but this. I remember when my parents made that dreaded switch to whole wheat, I cried and claimed I would never eat a sandwich again (and trust me, growing up in my family, this was an everyday food plan for school). But no, I have clearly gotten over this minor bump in the road, as I am still alive and well as I write this post (and still happily eating sandwiches may I add!) And while wheat bread never gave me the quite the same amount of joy moulding white bread into butter balls did, I can safely say this is something your taste buds will get use to! 

2. Watching the last episode of your favourite television show- Ah, that bitter sweet feeling of finally figuring out how your favourite superhero was going to defeat their evil nemesis and save the world! (okay, let's face it...this is how pretty much all children's shows ended. And if it didn't end this way, you were probably not watching a child's show). But then what? The main character is shown surrounded by their friends and loved ones as a sunrise peeks its way into the distance. The main hero smiles, says some quirky line about love, life, always being friends, never giving up on your dreams (gosh the BS goes on and on) and then the closing credits come up with some epic music and pictures from their future lives (still surrounded by friends and having an ubberly awesome time might I add). And then you sit there at first, still tingling with excitement at how great the big battle for good was! And then...well, and then it hits you. You will never see this main character do anything again. Yup that's right. No more adventures, no more seeing them go days without end wearing the same outfit, no more "let's band together and use the power of friendship!" bullshit (really? like really?), no more corny one sentence slogans, just no more. And while this is still relevant in my adult life today, trust me there are other fish in the sea. You will have a mourning period of about one week where you will re-watch every other episode (possible in another language), youtube your favourite scenes, google endless images of the cast (be careful there are some weird fanfictions one) and cry yourself to sleep in your $40 fan made t-shirt. And then...and then you will find something else to watch. Trust me, that's just how the media works! And while I swear Ash from Pokemon should a 25 year old man, with the same gosh damn pikachu (who is probably level 99 by now or something), this show never ceases to amaze me at how ridiculous the episodes keep on getting. So believe me, good television shows end for a reason. And a good one at that!

3. Switching to basic cable- When my mother told me we were going from 150+ channels to less than thirty, I told her you might as well rip my other lung out because my reason for existence had just been compromised (jokes, although I had a minor temper tantrum). But seriously, what was I going to do for the remaining 4 hours I had after finishing my homework? Study? Heck no! Anyways after this decision, I was determined I would never going to be home that much so that I wasn't going to be bored. I would be out and about and doing something productive. And well, although this is not 100% true (I was probably over exaggerating), I can safely say I've probably been able to keep off about 10 pounds by not gluing myself to the television screen. So good job mom, good job.

4. Banning all pokemon, digimon, yugioh cards and beyblades in elementary- I seriously never understood the purpose behind this. Really, Mr. Principal Sir? Are they that much of a threat that you cannot just simply confiscate them and possibly build your own set of hallographics? A set that may possibly may fund your retirement! Anywho, I remember when these dinky little things were banned and all the guys in my school had a major hissy fit (I did too, but being a girl I had to keep my pain on the inside. It's okay, Michelle, it's okay). The boys then resorted to sneaking in their cards and then playing them after school. So in all honestly, what was probably supposed to be a smart move really ended up being minor rebellion and more free time for the boys to annoy us girls around at recess. JOY.

5. Not getting a pizza lunch- I know, tragic. Having grown up in a middle-income family, my parents never bought into this idea of paying an irrational amount of money for a measly half-warm, ugly square piece of pizza, an oversized cookie that tasted like cardboard and a juice box I could hardly puncture without spilling all over me. And although I agree with this, I find myself contemplating whether I'd do the same for my own child. I mean really c'mon, you're not buying the pizza...you're buying their happiness and inclusion with their classmates! I mean, think about it. Didn't it totally suck when everyone was lining up for pizza while you quietly unpacked your stupid whole wheat sandwich!? (okay, maybe I still hold some resentment). Everyone laughing, eating that dumb cookie that was bigger than their head, sipping on some artificial sugary substance that ended up on their shirt anyways. Oh how I envied them. But now looking back on this as an adult, I can somewhat see what my parents were thinking. By not buying into this program, they not only saved money but they also saved me from a lot of unhealthy food. And besides, once you get to grade 7, pizza lunches became lame...going out for lunch was the new cool!

If You Want To Date Someone Great, Be Someone Great

AUG. 21, 2012 By NICO LANG

How many friends do you have who are holding out for the “the girl of their dreams” or “the perfect guy,” like Alicia Silverstone in Clueless? The folks who are always single because no one is ever good enough, “at their level” or “get” them, who seem to find something irreparably wrong with everyone they date? We’ve all heard dismissals like, “They didn’t get the check,” “They make less money than I do,” “They’re just not my type” or “They’re too tall”/“They’re too short”/“They have weird teeth”/“They wear bowties, and I hate bowties.” Once I made a list of all the things I wanted in a future wife, a set of standards I thought the perfect mate had to conform to. She would only drink clear liquids, wear lots of pink, ate only the brown M&Ms, had silky chestnut hair and if she wasn’t actually Jennifer Love Hewitt, would have to look just like her.

You might think this was weirdly specific and creepy, but I was also in middle school and watching a lot of Jennifer Lopez romcoms at the time—so cut me some slack. Even though I was a kid and didn’t know what I was talking about, I think that even as adults we do this all the time, even if we don’t realize it. I recently read Marry Him by Lori Gottlieb, which discusses the pressures that women (and men) put on themselves to find a mate that adheres to very specific variables of what they are and aren’t looking for in a partner. Many of the singles that Gottlieb profiles (including Gottlieb herself) list hundreds of irreconcilable deal-breakers. If you were to go on a date and tell the person you are sitting across from that you require your mate be “spontaneous, charming, loving, funny, a great dancer, a sharp dresser, a dynamo in bed, tall, whip-smart, aggressive but not too aggressive, sexy but doesn’t know it, driven, an avid reader, loyal, great with kids, well-endowed but not too well-endowed and fluent in at least one other language,” do you think they’ll line up for a second date? If you were to put that out as an OKCupid ad, would anyone respond?

Tellingly, Gottlieb talks to a lot of women and men who require that their partners make a certain amount of money a year, even if they themselves don’t make anywhere near that, and I think this sums up the problem. Gottlieb seems to think that the issue is that singles’ standards are too high, but standards aren’t the problem. Standards are great, and as Britney and K-Fed proved, people should have more of them. When you have standards, it allows you to set goals in your life and hold yourself accountable to the relationships you have and the person you want to become. (Fact: I love those Oprah goal boards. I go apeshit over that stuff.) But the problem isn’t that people have too high of standards; it’s that they have the wrong standards, ones they don’t require of themselves. This is because they’ve been taught to want the wrong things, on attaining perfection and this impossible notion of “having it all,” as if that were even possible. Life is not Stepford or Sex and the City, and you can’t have it all: Not at work, the buffet at Golden Corral or the take out menu at Mr. Taco. I can’t even get it all from my vibrator (who I would marry if it were a human being), so why should I expect that from my love life? And so many people get stuck on that—thinking you “deserve” Prince Charming with a 401K and a Benz—that many can’t accept the relationships that are in front of us.

If you want to set benchmarks from other people, focus less on external criteria like looks, money or status; none of those things last anyway. For example, here’s a thought experiment: Prince(ss) Charming gets in a car wreck, Vanilla Sky-style. Their face and car are both smashed, irreparably, and they look like Mickey Rourke after a fight with a garbage disposal. While mourning the loss of their perfect cheekbones in the hospital, they get a call informing both of you that they lost all of their money on the stock market. Are you still going to want to be with this person? When people get married (or so I’m told, because it’s still not legal for me in my state), they exchange vows that promise that each party will stay with the other person no matter what their bank account says or their face looks like in thirty years — when gravity stops working in your favor. What’s going to matter to you isn’t what they used to look like or who they were when you met. What will matter is the person they have become — the one you’ll want to be around for as long your version of “forever” entails. If forever’s in the cards, you’re going to want to have spent your time with the one you wanted to grow old with. Don’t end up Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin.

I discussed this recently with a friend I think has the best relationship I know. I’ll call her Karla Marx. Karla’s amazing—and I can actually picture men killing each other for her like in The Hunger Games — and her relationship reflects that. They’ve been together for two years. They talk about marriage and kids openly, bicker all the time in that Hepburn-Tracy way and complement each other in ways Cheng and Eng would be jealous of. (As the most single person I know, being around them sometimes makes me want to set my face on fire and scream.) When we got on the topic of modern relationships and I brought up Gottlieb’s theory that we are empowering ourselves into singledom, we both disagreed with Gottlieb. The problem isn’t empowerment; it’s the rhetoric around it, which is largely just Spice Girls knock-off stuff. Empowerment needs to go beyond simply either “girl power” or the aforementioned annals of money and sex. For her, sexual liberation is amazing (otherwise, Rush Limbaugh), but intercourse by itself isn’t what gives her power. That sex needs to be coupled with achieving a greater sense of self-worth — empowerment with a capital “E.” The thing that makes her feel strong is being strong — making good choices, knowing that she deserves to be treated well by the person she’s with and being loved and respected in the right ways.

Someone once told me that if you want to attract a certain type of person, you should become the person you want to date. This is silly advice, because then we’d all date ourselves and Seinfeld already explained what a bad idea that is. Instead, the example Karla shows us is that if you want great, you should be great. Challenge yourself to be someone that you would be super jealous if you saw your ex with. Be that person who plays racquetball over lunch, volunteers at an old folks’ home and a soup kitchen, runs 5Ks, reads a book a week (that isn’t by Dan Brown), calls their parents every day, writes poetry as well as John Keats, bakes in their free time and dreams of joining the Peace Corps someday. See? Wouldn’t you date that person? If you wouldn’t, you must kill kittens in your free time.

So, instead of worrying about The One, forget about that and be The One You Would Want To Be With. Go running every night, smile at every person you meet, pick up that James Joyce novel you’ve been putting off, start writing again, join a support group to work out your issues, go back to get another degree, help old ladies cross the street, work on forgiving your parents, take Tai Chi to learn to let go, get involved at the local community center and/or take a cooking class. Push yourself to get out and be better; you can’t control who you meet, but you can control the person you are when you meet them. You probably won’t find perfect (and no one wants that, because as Celeste and Jesse Forever shows, perfect is boring). However, you might find something a lot better than what you could have even imagined when you were twelve and making silly lists. You’ll find the thing you didn’t know you were looking for all along.

The Art of Aging

Today's post was inspired by a recent incident that happened at my store today. Actually, make that two experiences. Having worked in the lingerie department of The Bay, I can safely say that I have seen just about everything when it comes to women. From women unbuttoning their shirts to show me their bras to women pulling out their overused underwear out from the plastic bag they brought to the store. "I want this exact underwear, 100% cotton, in a size large. I hate polyester." I'm starting to think cotton is as valuable to a senior lady than finding a unicorn is for me. Anywho, although the physicality of women never ceases to amaze me, today I found myself truly appreciating women for their mentality and attitude instead.

In one scenario at The Bay, I came face to face with a hardened and bitter old lady who at first glace at me, decided to lash about the inconsistency of the signs sprawled around in the department. For some reason, she thought, there should be arrows pointing to each department to make life easier and help locate items faster. Yes, I thought, because this is some sort of runway for planes. I could clearly see she was bothered at this trivial thing and apologized on behalf of...well the entire company (working in retail gives you that right. It's called excellent customer service). But I guess my apology wasn't good enough as she went on and on to complain about pretty much everything about her life. What started off as small talk turned into a full on lecture about how I disgraced my grandparents because I didn't learn the languages of my country (having grown up with a Filipino mother and a Spanish father it was mostly best to just use English or else I'd end up with something like "mucho salamat"). I couldn't stand it, she was just so bitter and so angry about everything. And of course, being the loyal and mannerly associate of The Bay, I just took her thrashing in hopes that at one point  I could slip in the fact that the bathroom mats she was looking for were thhhaaaaat way. Then finally after 10 torturous minutes she took off and made her way down the aisle I directed her to (I actually had no ideas where the bath mats were but I figured I could hide in the change room for 10 minutes in case she came back to complain).

Luckily for me, however, I didn't have to do that. Soon after having such a horrendous experience with that lady, a pleasant older (probably not as old as the one I just serviced since she claimed she was in school in the 1920's...dear lord) woman stopped me and asked me for some help. She was so sweet and explained that she was having a bad day and thought shopping would be some sort of excellent emotional therapy. She even claimed in was better than...well uh...she never finished her sentence, but I assumed she meant chocolate. Yes it must have been chocolate. Anyways she then went on to tell me how she recently just got into designing and making her own clothes and excitedly drew all her vintage finds from within her bag. Okay, so they weren't the galaxy studded shorts on Queen street but they were all unique and beautiful in their own way. And she was so proud of her finds, I couldn't help but smile. The rest of the conversation, however, is what really inspired me to write this post. The woman told me that until now (being 60) she never felt that she had the confidence to wear anything beautiful. She didn't like the attention before as a young woman, but now, she said "I can wear whatever I want without having to feel self-conscious." At first I didn't know what to make of this. Shouldn't women should be able to wear what they want without having the fear to be hit on? (I should take my own advice) However, she quickly appeased my curoisty and went on to explain it as a quite liberating experience of age. She told me that at her age, she found dressing up to be empowering and fun. She confidently told me stories about having one too many drinks at several local bars, even slipping in the words "beer goggles" and "after parties" in her vocabulary. And while I would never want to see my mother do that (double good lord) I couldn't help but appreciate this youthful, energetic, fun loving woman. And that's when I thought, age is just a number. Age does not define us, our attitude and spirit does. I found myself immersed in her stories about her clothing adventures, the suitors she had at one time in her life, her journey for love and sex (yes even that) and got to thinking about the beauty of aging so gracefully. Funny enough, I really look up to this woman. Of course, I would never want to feel only free at the ripe age of 60, but I don't think that's what she meant through her story. To feel confident, young and free at any age, that's the real lesson. To enjoy life and feel confident in your own skin. I most definitely learnt something valuable today. I think being young is beautiful, but to have a youthful heart, well that's the real art of aging. 

The Pursuit of Inner Happiness

This post was originally supposed to be about my goals for the month of June but I quickly changed my mind in order to help me relax and collect my thoughts. So here is my where my jibberjabber has brought me:

Definition for happiness:

Web definitions:

state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy. wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

For people like Socrates, happiness was "the perfection of the soul. This meant that happiness consisted in an achievement, namely, making one's soul as good as possible.  Happiness is goodness, moral goodness." However, for others like Plato and Thomas Jefferson, happiness was not dependant on the self but rather on the good of the community. It was something selfless and constructed through the well-being of others. Take for the example the Declaration of Independence, a written promise of responsibility to our fellow man and to create a community of model citizens. So what does that mean for me personally? How do I define happiness? Well, I haven't quite figured that out yet. My boyfriend would probably describe my happiness as making sure "others were happy" at the price of my joy, while my parents might think otherwise (they probably attach my label of happiness with my credit card). Well in all honesty, I'm really not quite sure where I'd categorize my happiness so I'll guess I'll start with the things that made me happy today. I mean that's the easiest place to start, right?

1. Waiting impatiently for a few of my friends at the subway station. I know, this really doesn't sound like a happy experience, but it was. I happened to get to the subway station a bit early (actually I was on time but emergencies and misunderstandings "held" up my friends) but looking back at the highlights of today, I couldn't be more grateful for those few sane moments alone. Sitting alone on that bench listening to the songs I just recently downloaded felt sooo incredibly good. No one knew me, no one bothered me, and I felt like I could be anyone at that moment (lame I know). The beauty of being a stranger never quite fascinated me until this very point. It was like I didn't assume any responsibility to anyone, like I was free of guilt, anger, annoyance, sadness. I was not the friend who was waiting for their best bud, the girl who felt left out and under appreciated, not even the girlfriend who felt somewhat rejected. I was just a person sitting at a subway station...I liked that.
2. Finding a copy of "New Moon" (part of the Twilight series if you aren't aware of this) for half the price. Again, you're probably thinking "this girl get's crazier by the moment" but if you listen to my reasoning, you'd understand why. I own all the books in the Twilight series, minus this one. And although they are not the most educational books (I should make a post about why Twilight should not be taught in schools alongside Shakespeare hmmm) I can't help but feel happy, just reading. I never seem to notice when the hours fly by when I'm fully immersed into a good book. Today when I was extremely upset at trivial things, I couldn't help but telling my boyfriend through my tears"I just want to go home and read!" It's like everything is better when you read. Minutes become seconds and soon the day is gone and most likely, the pain with it. So, why am I happy to get this book? Simply because it's another excuse to read something...and also because I secretly wish Edward was my boyfriend (jokes John I know you're probably reading this haha)!
3. The smell of dew. And no I'm not talking about that "wet dog" smell but rather that fresh spring smell. I don't have a long story for this, it's just comforting.
4. Writing this post while listening to acoustic music. I'm actually surprised I can do this (it's always late into the night and I have work in the morning) but there is something so relaxing about writting/blogging. I'm such a private person at times, that it feels nice that I can blab about absolutely anything here. If you hang around with me long enough, I always seem to have a philosophy for everything (and if I don't I'll find one). I question a lot of things and always try to find the deeper meaning behind just about anything in life (sometimes that's my downfall and I really always wonder whether my boyfriend thinks I have a multiple personality disorder). And although this may seem weird, I feel that when I'm blogging I'm talking to the only person that may find me interesting and worth listening to (me, haha). But more than that, writing is just so good for my soul, I can feel it.

So that's about the end of my wandering thoughts, but I would like to leave you (or me, I'm not sure) a little note of advice. I was sitting down on the subway and looked up to see a poser that read,

"One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching." 

In other words, live life doing what makes you happy, find what makes you happy...because the unexamined life is truly not worth living.

Thought I'd share some of my happiness <3

20 Things I Should Have Known at 20

1. The world is trying to keep you stupid. From bank fees to interest rates to miracle diets, people who are not educated are easier to get money from and easier to lead. Educate yourself as much as possible for wealth, independence, and happiness.
2. Do not have faith in institutions to educate you. By the time they build the curriculum, it’s likely that the system is outdated– sometimes utterly broken. You both learn and get respect from people worth getting it from by leading and doing, not by following.
3. Read as much as you can. Learn to speed read with high retention. Emerson Spartz taught me this while I was at a Summit Series event. If he reads 2-3 books a week, you can read one.

4. Connect with everyone, all the time. Be genuine about it. Learn to find something you like in each person, and then speak to that thing.
5. Don’t waste time being shy. Shyness is the belief that your emotions should be the arbitrators of your decision making process when the opposite is actually true.
6. If you feel weird about something during a relationship, that’s usually what you end up breaking up over.

7. Have as much contact as possible with older people. Personally, I met people at Podcamps. My friend Greg, at the age of 13, met his first future employer sitting next to him on a plane. The reason this is so valuable is because people your age don’t usually have the decision-making ability to help you very much. Also they know almost everything you will learn later, so ask them.
8. Find people that are cooler than you and hang out with them too. This and the corollary are both important: “don’t attempt to be average inside your group. Continuously attempt to be cooler than them (by doing cooler things, being more laid back, accepting, ambitious, etc.).”
9. You will become more conservative over time. This is just a fact. Those you surround yourself with create a kind of “bubble” that pushes you to support the status quo. For this reason, you need to do your craziest stuff NOW. Later on, you’ll become too afraid. Trust me.
10. Reduce all expenses as much as possible. I mean it. This creates a safety net that will allow you to do the crazier shit I mentioned above.
11. Instead of getting status through objects (which provide only temporary boosts), do it through experiences. In other words, a trip to Paris is a better choice than a new wardrobe. Studies show this also boosts happiness.

12. While you are living on the cheap, solve the money problem. Use the internet, because it’s like a cool little machine that helps you do your bidding. If you are currently living paycheck to paycheck, extend that to three weeks instead of two. Then, as you get better, you can think a month ahead, then three months, then six, and finally a year ahead. (The goal is to get to a point where you are thinking 5 years ahead.)
13. Learn to program.
14. Get a six-pack (or get thin, whatever your goal is) while you are young. Your hormones are in a better place to help you do this at a younger age. Don’t waste this opportunity, trust me.
15. Learn to cook. This will make everything much easier and it turns food from a chore + expensive habit into a pleasant + frugal one. I’m a big Jamie Oliver fan, but whatever you like is fine.

16. Sleep well. This and cooking will help with the six pack. If you think “I can sleep when I’m dead” or “I have too much to do to sleep,” I have news for you: you are INEFFICIENT, and sleep deprivation isn’t helping.
17. Get a reminder app for everything. Do not trust your own brain for your memory. Do not trust it for what you “feel like” you should be doing. Trust only the reminder app. I use RE.minder and Action Method.
18. Choose something huge to do, as well as allowing the waves of opportunity to help you along. If you don’t set goals, some stuff may happen, but if you do choose, lots more will.
19. Get known for one thing. Spend like 5 years doing it instead of flopping around all over the place. If you want to shift afterwards, go ahead. Like I said, choose something.
20. Don’t try to “fix” anyone. Instead, look for someone who isn’t broken.

Written by: Julian Smith inoveryourhead.net
Photos via tumblr

My Brightside

Today was seriously one of the best days of this summer so far! If I thought yesterday was a great start to the week, this must be the best 2nd day of the week! So let's recap the ups and downs of the day...but yes definitely more ups!

• Woke up not feeling the greatest (probably from walking in the rain yesterday after class)
• Had to do a meetup to sell my Ray Bans from Kijiji a little bit too early for someone who wasn't in ace condition
• Couldn't hit the gym up with the bestie AKA I'm getting chubby (not actually)
• Paid off some of my visa and deposited a little bit of money in my bank account (thank you big brother)
• ZARA sold out of the jacket I wanted but that's okay I can't really afford it now anyways LOL. But the sales associate advised me to e-mail head office and they could possibly bring it back. Great idea plus she was super nice!
• Ended up doing 3 meetups today selling a few items and made $100! Boo yah!
• Went to the library to get a new library card (clumsy me lost it) and the lady there said that someone had graciously returned it at the Dufferin location (yes I am a big book nerd). Can't wait to get it back plus I managed to save $2!
• Had 3 random conversations with 3 lovely strangers. All were so sweet, asking for directions to places and then complimenting me in some way. My favourite was the old man in the elevator who talked to me about his grandchildren's overuse of their cellphones. He would definitely be interested in my post about "plugging out" haha
• Got a 2nd interview scheduled at Steve Madden this Thursday at 1:30. Perfect timing because I'm broke!
• The Bay finally phoned me and said that I can start my new job! I know this kind of falls in the middle of my ups and downs of the day because this means I have two job potentials but I consider this a big up because I wanted this job for like 2 months! They can only give me 4 hours next week but this is a guaranteed job. Now I have to decide if it's worth going to the Steve Madden interview!
• Beautiful day out, did not end up raining and I might potentially get my Alexander McQueen scarf tomorrow for an even cheaper price/trade!
• Currently have a stomach ache due to the huge and yummy dinner my mother cooked...but I'm not complaining :)
• New in! Just when I thought my day was done, my mother got awesome news about her job! Ah, perfecto.

All in all a pretty awesome day. I realized that just because the day may start off bad, doesn't mean it's the start of a bad day! Keep positive, keep smiling and find your little brightside xo!

We Cannot Solve Our Problems With The Same Thinking We Used When We Created Them

-- Albert Einstein

Plugged In

Today as I ventured over to my boyfriend's house in the pouring rain (this time I was fully prepared...outfit wise) I happened to stumble on a subway cart that seemed to be filled with people listening to their iPods. I sat down, as per usual, and scrambled through my own messy hand bag in hopes to find something to listen to. Of course I found my earphones (once again caught in a tug of war with my keys) and after finally winning that embarrassing fight, I was able to blast the good old songs of Jessie McCartney (jokes...it was only one song). So there I was, just like the rest of them, eyes open, ears pulsing, fingers furiously finding a better song, but I couldn't help but be reminded of a lecture I once had in my Science Fiction course. In the words of my very nerdy professor, "Has the world become too plugged in?"

I mean, I wouldn't go so far as to say all of humanity has become somewhat "cyborg-like" but I must admit, the idea haunts me. In a world where technology has developed immensely (I mean to the point where they can clean your house, give you directions to the nearest grocery store, and for heck sakes even play Jeopardy!) don't you think we've lost some sort of presence in our own lives? I stared across the trains and watched as the blank-eyed boy sat motionlessly looking at the window at really just...nothing. It was almost like he wasn't there. I get it, I too have fallen victim to daydreaming because of music (sometimes I'm rapping next to Eminem) but I'm starting to see the resemblance of technology to a kind of very accessible opiate. It can numb us to the point where we can miss the small things in life and for me personally, I'd like to savour every moment.

Knowingly, I'm probably reading into this and my immense amount of boredom and chocolate milk has lead me to this rambling post but I'd like to think I made my point clear. Anyways I think I will go get another cup of that goood stuff and head off to sleep. So here's reminding you to give yourself the luxury of plugging out. TIP: Studies have shown shutting off all radios, televisions, iPods, and even the lights an hour before you sleep can help you have a better night's rest. Also cover all televisions with some sort of cloth, it will make the room as dark as possible. Lastly pick up a book, meditate and relax, the world can wait. xo

Find Your Brightside

It's a beautiful Friday in Toronto but I can't help but notice I've been slightly on edge this whole week. Maybe it's because my cash flow has been slowly dwindling down a black hole or maybe it's because the thought of summer school creeping around the corner has once again turned my brain into mush. Well whatever it is, it's always important to try and pick yourself back up again and get out of that dangerous cycle of negativity. Today I will be going with my mom to the spa and even though we are already arguing as to when we should actually leave the house (I've been trying to delay it because I'm blogging as you can see), I am sure it will be a relaxing day! So whatever is bothering you today or has been recently, just take a deep breathe and exhale. I am a true believer of the power of positive thinking and a few smiles never hurt anyone. So in the most philosophical way I can say this don't worry, be happy xo

Sieze the day! Make it your own

Charlie Brown always seems to be so gloomy, but try concentrating on the good stuff and not the bad

Try snuggling up and reading a book in bed with your favourite dessert. Sometimes all you need is "me time"

Cozy down beside the one you love. Just a small amount body warmth can make anyone feel better. 

Nothing is impossible if you set your mind to it

Appreciate nature and all its beauty

Take photos of the things that make you happy. They'll act as reminders to always smile!

Date A Guy Who Reads

There is something awfully alluring about the quality of a man sitting down on the subway being fully engulfed in a book. But the question is, why? I mean maybe it's because I'm a total book nerd myself and I feel a great euphoria with my nose in a text and the songs of Bob Marley playing on my iPod (yes I can do both), but I feel like there's something more than that. When I see a guy reading on the subway, waiting in line, in the local Starbucks I can't help but slyly tilt my head to try to decode the title of the book they are reading (of course by never being too obvious...shifty eyes!) and most importantly, how engaged they are with it. (You can tell someone is really engaged in a read when they fail to notice a complete stranger has been staring at them for the past 5 minutes...possibly even more, depending on how long the baristas takes with my drink). I guess in a way, seeing a guy who reads makes me think of them as being more "worldly" if that's even the right word for it. Reading basically transports you into another generation, and in an age of so many technological advancements where the media basically gives you everything you need to understand a story, a book instead encourages an individual to be creative, imaginative and full of emotion. Not only that, reading requires that an individual take time out of their day to fill their head with a new type of stimulation rather than just their alarm clock's ring in the early morning. A reader is someone who is patient, someone who is empathetic and someone I feel who cares about the power of knowledge and of being an autonomous member of society. Okay, maybe I'm going too far with this and I just simply enjoy the fact that I may actually be able to have something in common with another human being (being the awkward me), but I think I enjoy the idea that someone can offer me more with just an insight into what they are reading. Reading is something unique to an individual since everyone thinks in a different way and I think that the passing on of this experience and being able to relate to others is something so...unique and beautiful. Anyways, this is just a little rant, really caused by the sheer amount of people I saw this morning on the subway read on their commute to..who knows where! In no way am I ever going to strike up a conversation with these people (I am fully content with the fact my boyfriend loathes reading) but it is nice to feel a sense of...community amongst my fellow text lovers. Till my next babble, happy reading xo

via Tumblr