Tuesday, 26 November 2013

Culture of Thoughts

The mind is a powerful tool that most of us take for granted in today's society. In a culture where instant gratification comes at the tips of our fingertips, sometimes it is nice just to think for a second about the power of our thoughts- what would we be able to accomplish just by thinking?

                                                          a lot.

Throughout the course of the day I cannot count the times where a thought- created by fear, anxiety or worry- has plagued my mind. And with a quick squint of the nose and a low moan, I do my best to push that worry out of the way. But am I just filing these thoughts away into a locked file cabinet only for that shelf to one day expire and flood this fortitude I have built up in my mind? I surely hope not.

But what I am hoping to accomplish (and I hope to accomplish this sooner than later) is the ability to take these negative thoughts, to accept them and understand where they have come from, and dismiss them. Negative thoughts are inescapable in a world moving at such a fast and unforgiving pace, and really

   it is okay to feel them. It is okay to feel sad, angry, depressed and hurt.

                            But we cannot stay this way forever. As cliche as it sounds, life is way too short, way too wonderful to substitute hurt with happiness.

So instead of simply pushing these fears and negative feelings away, instead I hope to accept them as who I am and then reconfigure my way of thinking into something positive and beneficial to my soul. I am also trying to use the "s" word less often (that's stressed and not the other "s" word you are probably thinking about) because I mean, not everything in life is stressful. The word has now become too reflexive in my everyday life and because of that, it is now not a product of my mind but a product of my being. I don't want to be a stressful person, I only want to have stressful moments that I know I can overcome.

"You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select what clothes you're gonna wear every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control."

The mind is a powerful tool

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

The Little Things

Enjoying the welcoming of winter with warm knits and dark lips. Happy holidays everyone xo,

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

From Where I Last Left Off

Sometimes beginnings are the hardest to write. I mean I must admit, it took me several minutes to contemplate how I should begin this post mainly due to
                                                 a) I'm bad at new beginnings &
                                                         b) I was testing out whether or not my nail polish was dry enough to start typing. 

So far, the latter has been holding up- I have yet to smudge my brand new painted white nails- but I guess the first part still holds some truth to it.

I always write about new beginnings (refer to multiple past posts about working to change my life, starting a new health habit etc.) and many times, I find myself feeling so incredibly guilty for not sticking with that change. But who came blame me? In a constant obsession need to reflect on my life, reevaluate its meaning and then rework it to fit my goals and aspirations, I most often face this internal struggle to find happiness and be content with where I am. Questions like-
  • Do I really want to teach? Can I even do this? (This is usually accompanied with flashbacks of poor teaching experiences or future anxieties worse than coming to class with only your underwear on)
  • Will I ever be ready to move out? And more importantly, will be family be alright without me? 
  • Will I ever just be content with my body? (Although, to tell you the truth I am 95% of the time okay with my handles of love)
  • Will I ever find a way to not be so angry? To be so self-criticizing? 
  • Am I happy?
-reoccur greatly in my mind, and I truthfully wonder if I will ever find an answer to these questions. Maybe I will...and then maybe I won't. But what I have now come to realize is my problem is not found in these questions but in the mere fact that I can never seem to be happy with where I am. In the present moment. Now.

I took a course in OISE that talked about meditation and mindfulnessness and in actuality, I learned a great deal about myself over the course of a few months. To begin we first had to complete a survey asking us different questions like:
  1. How often do you put your earphones on and not pay attention to what is going on around you?
  2. How often do you think about what you're eating, while you eat?
  3. How much time do you spend thinking about the past or the future? 
The answers didn't really surprise me as I knew that for much of my life, I was always either worried about the future or fretting over past mistakes. I also realized that I almost always wear headphones and that when I eat food, I eat like a monster truck. But, what I did learn was something very valuable for me as a learner: The value of being in the present.

The present is:

                                                     Being here. Don't worry about what is yet to come.
                                                 Don't feel guilty about things you have to do. Be what may.
                                                       Appreciate what you have now instead of idealizing what you may have.
                                                                        See happiness as a way of life, not a destination.

This all isn't to say that you shouldn't prepare for the future or to keep constantly try to reinvent yourself, but instead it's about understanding the need to take the time to be happy now, exactly where you are as exactly where you should be. Whether that's working to pay yourself out of debt, travelling the world, being unsure of your career. It's okay to always want to start new beginnings but if you keep trying to start something new, then you can never appreciate the "now." 

Thus, instead of building new beginnings, build the who you are right now. 
                              Don't be constructive. Allow yourself, who you are today, to be
                      the building blocks of your future self. See your "today" self as someone important too.

So as I conclude this post and seeing as my nails are now nice and dry, think about instead of always writing a new beginning to your life...pick up where you last left off. There is a great quote that comes from Eat, Pray, Love that really sheds light on this belief and is something I'd like to leave you with:

"The other problem with all this swinging through the vines of thought is that you are never where you are. You are always digging in the past or poking at the future, but rarely do you rest in this moment. It's something like the habit of my dear friend Susan, who-whenever she sees a beautiful place- exclaims in her near panic, 'It's so beautiful! I want to come back here someday!' and it takes all of my persuasive powers to try to to convince her that she is already here. If you're looking for union with the divine, this kind of forward/backward whirling is a problem. There's a reason they call God a presence- because God is right here, right now. In the present is the only place to find Him, and now is the only time."

Thursday, 17 October 2013

Pleather Weather

Shopping habits sure die hard even when one does not work very often (and when I mean very often I mean hardly...and when I mean hardly I mean that my job even failed to pay me for my last paycheque hence I am broke...but who's counting?) Anyways, I thought I'd reward myself for a job well done for completing my two midterms and two successful lessons plans (oh did I mention I'm voluntarily teaching? More about that later). Conclusively, I felt I deservec a little something something. And what best way to reward myself for feeling good, by looking the part as well! Happy shopping everyone, xo

The love I have for this lovely store. Decided to take a side route yesterday after school and drop into a local mall for some quick shopping. Safe to say, there are no regrets!

I am so happy I came across this cute little pleather skirt. I've been on the hunt for a really nice one and this one definitely does not disappoint! It's a little loose for me on the waist, but not too loose that it falls down (besides, I think I'll be tucking something into it when the weather becomes cooler).

Wednesday, 16 October 2013

But if I kiss you, will your mouth read this true?

Fall is here and I couldn't be happier! Time to pull out the blanket scarves, cozy knits and leather jackets...yes, life is goooooood. I figured today I'd go pretty hobo/casual considering I'm just heading to school for only one class. This week month has been pretty hectic and a lot has changed so hopefully I can post more about that later! Hope you're all enjoying the lovely weather and change of scene xo

Brandy Melville Knit Cardigan, Aritzia "Talula" Shirt, Urban Outfitters, Aldo Shoes, Aritzia "Wilfred" Scarf, Michael Kors Watch, Urban Outfitters Skull Bracelet

Monday, 26 August 2013

At Ends

Boiling down to my last year in my university experience and holy hell, I am now starting to succumb to my very worst this what I want to do with my life?

Having heard countless confessions from my friends, I've always had the reassuring confidence that yes, I definitely want to be a teacher when I grow up. Well I've grown up, and does that statement still hold true? The simple fact of the matter is yes, well of course I imagine myself giving only the best lessons while balancing my social life with my life in the classroom. But the question is, am I cut out for this?

Seeing as I always compare myself to my fellow peers in my program, I only feel discouragement and worry knowing that my experience working with kids fails in comparison to many others. Counselor at camp? Heck no, my parents couldn't even afford to send me to one as a kid. Taught abroad? I can't even do my own laundry. Any paid experience whatsoever working with kids? Does selling children winter coats count?

The truth of the matter is, how do I even know I enjoy teaching? In all honesty, although student teaching a grade 1 classroom brings so many heart warm memories, these thoughts are also accompanied with late night lesson planning and dreading to wake up in the morning. And at this point I really can't I hate what I do? Or do I just lack the self-confidence for it?

This week, this theory has been tested as I recently got an interview as a group facilitator for after school activities around the GTA. The program sounded awesome- develop team building games for children that helped them to develop their social skills and character traits- came with a catch. For the second part of my interview I would have to develop an activity to teach10 people competing for the same position as me.Talk about pressure. So now, I just don't want to go through it.

And here's why:

  1. I am socially shy and usually blush at any chance to stand in front of an throw me in front of people my age/older competing for the same job and I'd be a trembling tomato.
  2. I really don't feel like lesson planning...does that suck or what? That's pretty much what my job entails me to do and I dread it. (So does that mean I shouldn't be a teacher?)
I feel like my desire to not go through with this interview is due to either of this options...or maybe (probably) both of the reasons mentioned above. Socially awkward? Check. Lazy at the moment? Double Check. And yes, I want to teach yooooooouuuuurrr children! (woohoo)

So in all honesty, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm scared, lazy and frankly really anxious not knowing if teaching is what I can commit myself to do. Maybe I just need more experience being a group leader in a safer setting? But wasn't that the whole point of applying for this job? 

I seriously need to spend some quality zen-time with myself and reevaluate my plan. Because right now, I'm at ends.xo

Saturday, 17 August 2013

New York, New York

So this summer I finally had the ultimate chance of seeing a city that I've been dying to travel to all my life...New York! Having never set foot outside the Canadian boarder (well okay not true....I've been to the Philippines twice. But that doesn't count since it was a family vacation and I took a plane!) I was so excited to be out and about on the crowded streets of this gorgeous city. I coooooooould write a long blurb about how awesome of an experience this was and what I did day by day....but to save my sanity and your's I'd much rather fill this blog post with a bunch of pictures and witty comments underneath! So enjoy xo,

I think this is where our hotel was. Wow, this was only a few months ago and I am only now realizing how horrible of a memory machine I am. Either way, subway service woohoo!
Yeah, that "YOU ARE HERE" sign didn't fucking help. Okay that's great, I know where I am BUT HOW DO I READ THIS MAP!? New York city has got to be one of the hardest places to navigate in. Compared to Toronto where you pretty much go either North, South, East or West, in NY you can basically go 40 degrees N/E or wherever. Navigation got easier as the days went by, but even still we were never afraid to ask a stranger how to get somewhere.
First chow stop...PIZZA!
Only being the ultimate tourist, we just had to drop by Times Square! Times Square was absolutely amazing, filled with diversity, life and overpriced souvenirs! It had to be one of my favourite stops on the whole trip!
My boyfriend and I sitting on the steps of Times Square...kinda felt a little Glee moment here!
Our lovely friends just chilling!
Tourist takes a photo of the tourists. Yup. PS. You can totally see the difference in some pictures...Big ups to my friend for using a pretty camera and for me using them on this blog! (Thanks Chris! Although I doubt you're going to read this LOL)
Broadway lights, city lights
So the first night we were there, I pretty much begged my friends to see a Broadway play! It was my absolute number 1 thing on my lists of to do's. We bought ticked to see Wicked and ERMAHGAWD it did not disappoint! Possible THE highlight of my NY experience was to see the Wicked Witch sing that awesome high note!! I loved this play, and I'm getting excited all over again as I think about it. AWESOME. I AM SO DEFYING GRAVITY
The amaaaaaaazing cast! We weren't allowed to take pictures...but YOLO?
Second day out and about. PS. After this photo I will most likely ONLY be wearing this hat. It is one of the few souvenirs I got for myself and would never take off. Yeah, that sweat? That's New York sweat.
We went to this breakfast place near our hotel and got so spooked by this menu...WHERE DO YOU LOOK!? But despite the overpriced food and slight headache afterwards, the food was actually pretty good! Our waiter also thought we were from California...not sure if that was an insult..orrrr
Not even sure what this was..BUT IT WAS HELLA GOOD (I think as this was my friend's food and I only had one bite)
FIGHT CLUB. I'm not sure what it is with men and new shoes but seeing as it was Chris' birthday, the gang ventured out to Soho and beyond to feed our boyfriends' shoe addictions. Actually it was pretty cool!
I am clearly like "GET ME OUT OF HERE" No jokes, it was actually a nice store!
Dropping by NYU and park nearby. Again one of my favourite places! There was just so much going on in this one little park, from food carts, to performers, to poetry being read on the grass!
Birthday boy and the lovely Jacqui!
Hopping on the subway once again...praying we don't get lost.
For Chris' birthday we decided to go to Talde, a restaurant located in Brooklyn and founded by Chef Talde. The restaurant mixes together Asian inspired food with American flare. The place was pretty amazing, seeing as you walk into a place that looks and functions like a bar, but then you're served with these awesome Asian inspired cutlery! Plus you can get Halo-Halo (if you like that type of thing). Here, I opted for just some food old fried rice! Yum!
This was John's! It was deep fried oysters on pad thai. SO GOOD!
Happy birthday Chris!
Day 3: Museum time! Seeing as everyone pretty much had their pick of what to do in NY, my friend Jacqui chose to go to one of New York's finest museums! Definitely trumps the ROM here in Toronto!
Next we went biking in Central Park! This was probably one of the most entertaining experiences there (I feel like I'm saying this too much...but everything was so much fun!) After being persuaded by some guy holding a sign outside the subway, we went to a local bike shop, rented some bikes for a couple of hours and jetted to Central Park. It was so hard to enjoy the park in the 2 hours that we got, but the scenery was breathtaking! Next time I go back, I really want to just explore the insides of the park or maybe go on a picnic.
I couldn't take many good photos seeing as I suck at biking and taking photos was a hazard to myself and the people around me...funny enough I had two local supporters who always seemed to encourage me while biking LOL "KEEP PEDDLING!"
Shouts outs to my friend Jacqui for riding a bike in a skirt..trooper!
You can also go on little row boats in Central I hear the "Kiss the Girl" in the background!?
He's excited. I'm excited...WE'RE BOTH EXCITED! Okay so we didn't reenact the scene from Glee or Gossip Girl..but yeknow...we try

Our friend Chris told us NY was famous for its deli so we decided to try some! We found a quirky restaurant and when we got our stuff...well their portions were huge! Anyways, it was still yummy yet so filling! Oh and here's my boyfriend trying to take a bite of his sandwich.
They also gave you pickles...AND I DROPPED THE PICKLE.
Again another thing on my to do list. I didn't take too many photos since it was really dark inside but the food was amazing! This was also the night Jacqui accidentally ate some nuts..we rushed out of the restaurant but luckily, no allergic reaction! PHEW! Healthcare would have costed a fortune!
Last day in New York and the couples split up to see some parts of NY we couldn't all see at once. As our friends went to the Nike store to buy some new kicks, John and I headed to the top of the Empire State building.

Amazing view, amazing city.
Starting form the bottom, now we're here!
Only photo we could take. It was extremely windy but WOW, gorgeous view from the top!
Dylan's candy store...and John's new favourite place! This is before we got lost haha
Goodbye New York! You were amazing and I will definitely be back to explore even more of this beautiful city one day!

Thursday, 15 August 2013

Under Reno

Hi lovelies (I seriously do not know who I am addressing in these blog spots, seeing as half of the things I write are for my own sanity) but despite the chance of looking like a sick case of Mona from Pretty Little Liars (refer to split personality disorder) I guess it was about time I started blogging again.

I can't express how unhappy or stressed I've felt over the past few months. With my last year of university looming right over the corner and the prospect of becoming an elementary school teacher within my grasp, I cannot help but contemplate where the choices in my life are taking me and in what direction my life is spiralling into. There is no doubt in my mind that I will be successful, that I will make something of myself one day. But seeing as how things are going, I just don't think the choices or thereby, the lack of choices, I've been making have been in any way shape or form beneficial to the ideal life I wish to create. And that is why I've decided to go "under reno."

I don't ever think someone can change over night, but one can learn to start making changes despite the constant whirlwinds and friggin tornadoes life seems to offer. "So we beat on, boats against the current..."   yes, so you get my drift (see what I did there?). Anyways, one thing that has become more and more apparent day by day is:

  • If you are working for money, you are working for the wrong reason. 

I know that seems kind of biased, but it's what I believe. Today I finally gave in my 2 week resignation after my manager pretty much scolded me for not selling enough credit cards to our customers. Plain fact is, I just hate retail. And there is absolutely no reason for me to working it either. I do not want want to be a sales associate when I grow up. I don't want to be a buyer, manager or fashion designer. And while I have acquired a lot of amazing skills in my 5 years working clothing retail, there is no opportunity for me to move into teaching. The only reason I stay, and frankly keep returning to retail, is for the money, to pay for my excessive eating and shopping habits. And so, in spite of the fact that my parents are calling me a quitter I'd like to think of this change as something as I have been wanting  needing to do for a while. I need to find opportunities that will allow me to grow, not stump me. And this just was not it. Was it difficult writing that 2 week notice? Sure. But what's more difficult is staying at a job where I was not happy, and where I couldn't see myself in the near future. I'm still young so...can I still quote "YOLO"? Well I just did.

Till next post, find what makes you happy. And if that happiness only comes in a type currency, maybe it's time for some recalculation.

PS. GIRL PUT IN WORK, GIRL PUT IN WORK (for the right reasons may I add!)

Monday, 27 May 2013


So I finally got off my lazy arse and got me a new job (refer to post below)! Yes, I have moved from the life of retail...well back to the life of retail! Funny enough though, I'm okay with it. I'll now be working as a seasonal sales associate at a store I actually enjoy shopping at and hopefully working in. And that store is...Anthropologie! I'm so excited to be starting my new job (not only are the benefits/discounts awesome..but one of my close friends works there which means more "us" time..yay!) and I'm actually proud of myself for making a conscious effort to make myself more happy. Anyways, till next time, here are also just a few more "outfits of the days" I've pieced together during my lazy summer days...enjoy! xo