LUSTING FOR

I want to travel.

I see all the photos my friends post, documenting their travels around the world. London, Morocco, Korea, Thailand. Just yesterday I had a conversation with two very close friends of mine, one of which who wants to study outside of Toronto. "You have to remember that you're young now, and you may not get these chances when you're older." Friends, family, my boyfriend- these are all reasons I decided that it was best for me to stay at home. Besides, I can hardly even do my own laundry, yet alone survive alone somewhere foreign. But he's right. I can't keep up passing opportunities because I am afraid or because I feel like I will be leaving something behind. Change is scary, but it is also liberating. Perhaps in the new future I can get the courage I need to pursue a life beyond these walls.

                    The world outside Toronto is breathtaking. 

CHRONICLES OF A POST GRAD

The one thing no one ever tells you after completing 5 grueling years of university, is the amount of free time that you have, finally coming to terms with the realization that you are all on your own. If anyone was to ask me what I was up to a few years prior, I could confidently respond with, "Well, I'm in university studying to be a teacher. I'm also working part-time as a sales associate, volunteering my time to helping children write books, and going to start practicum teaching in the next few months...golly gee!" During this period in my life, my time seemed to be so preoccupied and frankly, I loved it. It was as if the less time I had for idle things and taking care of myself, the more productive I was, the greater identity I had. However, fast forward to the present moment and I usually fumble with an answer that sounds a little something like, "Well, uhm..I'm working as an English teacher at a learning center." While at the same time thinking, "I'm still trying to find a full-time job and figure out what to do with my spare time."

You see the thing with time, is that once you have so much of it, you begin to wonder who you are. Student, work, volunteer- these are all things that we identify with. These are labels that tells the world I AM SOMEONE. But minus that from the equation, and strip us down to our basic humanity, and who are we exactly? Over the last 3 months of time away from an institution that once served to be my crutch whenever someone asked me what I was doing with life, I am now realizing a little bit more of who I am as a person. The following includes:

• I love sleeping in, although I always feel a twinge of guilt. The perks of being a part-time teacher is starting work at 4. This means I can stay up binge watching Netflix, and not feel the movie hangover in the morning. My friends always use to see me as an early bird, but I've come to realize I love being able to get 8-10 hours of sleep. Call it selfish, but after waking up early for so long to get to school, I enjoy getting up once the sun is already in the sky to watch morning talk shows and eat my adult breakfast of peanut butter and jelly.
• I am a scheduler. I am constantly in the habit of having to be busy. I even schedule my Duolingo lessons in the morning, right after reading books about teaching, and a guide to ESL I never got around to look at in my last year of university. And while it is a good thing to be organized, I would love to master the art of doing nothing. However, knowing me, I will most likely have to schedule in that too. 
• I enjoy working out. I may not be your next gym buddy, but I actually crave my 30 minute Fitness Blender or XHIT Daily exercise routines. I've also realized that 30-40 minutes is my limit. Anything past that seems like a nuisance and sucks away my happiness.
• If I had to live by myself, I would probably not starve. The kids on Master Chef may put my cooking skills to shame, but I can survive on my cooking alone. #adultwin
• I am very sensitive. I put a lot of value in my friends, family, work and religion and when one of those things do not live up to my expectations, I tend to get quite hurt. I realize that when things do not go my way, I am more likely to cry then to buck up and face it. Regardless, to me, being sensitive shows that I care, that I am able to feel. And that is very important to who I am as a person.

In conclusion, time is a wonderful resource for a post graduate but it can also make you question things that you never once thought about before. I like who I am now, and I am sure I will like who I will continue to be in my post graduate life, xo

THE PROBLEM WITH

Rejection.

The word itself is difficult to follow with a proper definition but to sum it up personally, it is my one greatest fear.

Yesterday, as I heard the priest repeat the words of "you do not belong to this parish" I contemplated the irony of crying in front of  a priest. I mean c'mon now, if you were to cry in front of anyone you would want it to be in front of someone who would hold no judgment towards you or condemn you into further agony right? Nevertheless I managed to keep my cool and my tears intact as I tried to politely explain that just because I did not attend church, did not make me any less Catholic than my peers. It is true, however. I didn't belong to this particular parish and the only reason why I sought comfort in this priest was because my old parish had no records of me attending church. At last, rejection upon rejection, I fear that I will never be memorable enough. And for now, I am giving this whole teaching in the Catholic board a little bit of a break.

See the problem with being so positive all the time is it is exhausting. It is mentally, physically and now spiritually draining. If being happy demands to be felt, it surely does take effort. The frustration in it all, however, is when things do not go your way. And yes, c'est la vie. But it would be sure nice to catch a break for once. For doors to open up for me, like they do for everyone else.

I am allowing myself to be sad, mainly because I am discouraged and because happiness is a constant habit I feel like I always need to keep up with. I've had two experiences with how happiness affects others: one in which one of my fellow teachers remarked "I have never met anyone as happy as you! It's wonderful!" and the other "How are you always happy? Meds (haha?)" You can obviously tell which teacher was more pessimistic. Happiness can be taxing to others, and even especially to the person, so why bother?

The problem with happiness is for me, it is still a struggle. It is easier to get up out of bed and hate going to work. It is easier to be angry with my church, than it is to forgive it. But I know that the roads less taken, are often the greatest journeys.

I'll come back fighting, I'll come back more determined than ever.

The problem with happiness is...

nothing.

A MASTER IN ANYTHING, WAS ONCE A BEGINNER IN SOMETHING

"A master in anything, was once a beginner in something" has always been one of my favourite quotes as a teacher. Flashback to my grade 6/7 practicum, I wrote this quote on the board when my associate teacher asked me to find a saying that resonated with me for the "quote of the day." And while most of my students failed to comprehend or rather, care for this simple saying, I found that the quote was in fact more of a reminder for me to face each day ready to learn and make new mistakes.

This quote is a constant daily reminder to me, that at 23 I am most likely not going to be a master in...well, anything for that matter. And while there may be this fabricated illusion that things come "naturally" for others, born talent and inherent abilities are not enough to make you great at something. Being a master in anything requires dedication, practice and hard work. It takes patience and an ability to accept that mistakes are inevitable. It takes time.

So even though I still feel as I may not be a great teacher just as of right now, I know someday I will be. And the first step to achieving this, is to forgive myself for making mistakes. Simply put, sometimes you have to taste defeat in order to appreciate success. Or as Drake puts it, you gotta start from the bottom to get "here." Whenever "here" is for you.

In conclusion, be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that you are doing your best at your own pace and one day you will succeed. And one day you will look back at your mistakes and see them as little brightsides xo,

IF YOU AREN'T FAILING, YOU AREN'T TRYING HARD ENOUGH

I snapped yesterday, like snapped, snapped. Like a flimsy branch being flung into a tornado kind of snapped. I was off to a really good start, I can assure you. I told myself I was energized, I got my morning workout routine in and I was on my way to prepare for a healthy lunch. And then a comment I have too often heard, snapped the last straw in me.

I can't say that I reacted with dignity and grace. I'll pretend that I didn't scream and cry (when in fact I did). But what I can admit to is that sobbing and sulking for 15 minutes gave me that final release I needed in order to get back to my goals and feel happy. It was if those tears had been flooding up inside me, screaming to overflow out of my dry eyelids. "FREEEDOMM!" is what they would probably yell (if tears could talk).

So instead of staying under my comfy bed sheets and sleeping until I had to leave for work (my regular go-to coping method), I got up and took a shower. A wonderful shower, I may add. I sang, possible danced a little and belted out some really good hits. I felt much better. I even decided to take a short walk before work which is supposedly useful to get you out of a slump. And then I worked. Simple as that.

I realized here that I didn't necessarily fail at my happiness project because I lashed out and got upset. In fact, I think I needed that final form of release. Failure, instead, would have been me curling up into a ball until the world came knocking on my door. It would have been me taking my frustrations out at work. But I CHOSE to be happy. Like physically and mentally chose to get my butt off of the bed and do something to alter my mood. This is what I like to call "Operation: Get Your Ass Up And Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself." And guess what? It worked.

I may not always be able to control or contain my frequent mood swings but I do have the power to choose how long I stay in these experiences. A feeling is a feeling, until it becomes a mood. And I would much rather having feelings of anger or sadness at times but then be in a happier mood for the rest of my day. I assure you that I will fail, but failure is always needed to improve oneself. Failure tells the world, "I am challenging myself to be better, to be happier."