The word itself is difficult to follow with a proper definition but to sum it up personally, it is my one greatest fear.
Yesterday, as I heard the priest repeat the words of "you do not belong to this parish" I contemplated the irony of crying in front of a priest. I mean c'mon now, if you were to cry in front of anyone you would want it to be in front of someone who would hold no judgment towards you or condemn you into further agony right? Nevertheless I managed to keep my cool and my tears intact as I tried to politely explain that just because I did not attend church, did not make me any less Catholic than my peers. It is true, however. I didn't belong to this particular parish and the only reason why I sought comfort in this priest was because my old parish had no records of me attending church. At last, rejection upon rejection, I fear that I will never be memorable enough. And for now, I am giving this whole teaching in the Catholic board a little bit of a break.
See the problem with being so positive all the time is it is exhausting. It is mentally, physically and now spiritually draining. If being happy demands to be felt, it surely does take effort. The frustration in it all, however, is when things do not go your way. And yes, c'est la vie. But it would be sure nice to catch a break for once. For doors to open up for me, like they do for everyone else.
I am allowing myself to be sad, mainly because I am discouraged and because happiness is a constant habit I feel like I always need to keep up with. I've had two experiences with how happiness affects others: one in which one of my fellow teachers remarked "I have never met anyone as happy as you! It's wonderful!" and the other "How are you always happy? Meds (haha?)" You can obviously tell which teacher was more pessimistic. Happiness can be taxing to others, and even especially to the person, so why bother?
The problem with happiness is for me, it is still a struggle. It is easier to get up out of bed and hate going to work. It is easier to be angry with my church, than it is to forgive it. But I know that the roads less taken, are often the greatest journeys.
I'll come back fighting, I'll come back more determined than ever.
The problem with happiness is...