A LITTLE AFFIRMATION

As a teacher, I am constantly plagued with self-doubt and a little tingle in my heart that can only be diagnosed as anxiety. Am I doing enough? What are their parents thinking? Oh God, Jimmy, stop making farting noises! And more than often, I hate to admit, we teachers get the short end of the stick, hearing "constructive" feedback from parents, colleagues and bosses about how to better our teaching practices.

                                          When all we really want is some R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

Just kidding, although Ms. Franklin was on the right track.

I have been working with a student for the past 2 months, trying to improve her overall writing and training her to use specific skills to work more independently. With her, I try to focus on equipping her with techniques she can use so that she can recognize her own mistakes and attempt to correct them. I realized from day 1,  she was a student that needed to be monitored to be kept on track. However, because I am only with her once a week for one hour, there was no way for me to ensure she stayed focus and put in the effort I knew she was capable of. So although I had a very crunched 1 hour split between 3 students, I made sure to review her book summaries with her, have her correct her own mistakes, allow her to self-reflect or "mark" herself on how she thought she did and what she could improve on and go over some ways to perform close reading and how to use context clues to help decipher correct answers. Over the next few weeks, she has asked me to take the time in class to self-edit her own work and has grown so much more independent. Her sentences are clearer and we are now working on her oral summaries. Overall, she has made such progress.

As I worked with her today, she made sure to remind me that her mother wanted her to finish all her homework in class. However, with her needing additional support, we failed to complete one worksheet. "Oh shit," I thought, "I hope her mom won't be pissed." As my day ended, she scurried to my classroom and told me very proudly that she got 100% on all 5 tests that were administered after the class. Note: These were on the worksheets we worked on together prior. I was so happy for her and not knowing the proper etiquette, high-fived her and told her to continue working hard and to be proud of herself. As I packed my bag, her mother shyly came into the room with a bright smile on her face. She greeted me and thanked me wholeheartedly for working with her daughter because she has seen all of her improvements in both her homework here and her grades at school. She continued by giving me a handshake/attempt at a hug/small bow and wishing me a nice weekend.

I am still smiling about this, because a) I've never been bowed to, but found it very common in Korean cultures and more importantly b) Yes, I am doing something right!

So despite the fact that I sometimes doubt myself as I allow my kids to show me their Yu-Gi-Oh cards in the last 5 minutes of class, I am making a difference, and that's what matters. Recognized or not, I love what I do. Hopefully these small little gestures help to affirm the profession I work so hard in and will continue to serve as reminders to better myself, xo

4 MONTH HIATUS

"What day of the week is it? What month is it? Is Obama still the president!?" Are the common questions I ask myself as I slowly lose track of time and foremost, my sanity. (I am happy to say he is still the president, although I am in Canada and should be more concerned with my own country's affairs).

Looking back at my previous blog posts, I chuckle to myself at how much I complained at being NOT busy. "Oh naive child, just wait until January. That's when shit really hits the fan." Is what I would say to myself if I had multiple personality complex with an annoying tendency to talk in third person. But that's another story.

Starting mid January, I started my new year's resolution of saying "YES" to things that scared me. And I think I took my my advice a little too liberally, because well...everything scares me. So on top of adding more hours to my part-time tutoring job, I also added to my plate a new job as a daycare teacher, a new ESL additional qualification course, a volunteer position as an outreach coordinator, a new opportunity as a workshop leader, and becoming a birthday party team member.* Basically, my work week escalated from a mere 11 hour week to a whopping 40-50 hour week. And what I use to consider stressful, became things that I actually looked forward to. That's right, my new added stressors made my actually appreciate what I had before, like my part-time job. Who knew?

I use to pray for a greater power to bestow me with new opportunities to keep myself busy, to give myself some sort of identity. And for the past 4 months, I have both loved and struggled with this new profound lifestyle. I found myself neglecting my health, squeezing in a social life I knew was affecting my energy, and pushing away any "me" time I had (unless taking afternoon naps or binge watching anime counts). Now don't get me wrong. I am extremely proud of myself, and my bank has seen digits that have never graced my TD app screen since I started my account. But if it be any lesson to anyone else out there, the only reason why I have time to write this blog post is because I have a 3 day doctor's order note saying I need to stay in bed because of a virus infection. Yup, my body finally shut me down (literally) and told me to stop working so damn hard.

I'm currently saving up for Europe, so I'm not sure how many hours I can afford to sacrifice, but I know that sacrificing my health and happiness is not worth it. I recently read from an acquaintance, that in this day and age, we usually tend to value multi-tasking but it is single-tasking that we must learn to master. Basically, the more we spread ourselves thin the less effort we can invest into those opportunities that are important. Successful people have to say no to things that don't further their growth. There will always be new pathways for one to forge. As a result, I realize I need to take a step back from what I have been doing and reevaluate if my current schedule is making me stronger or sucking me dry. Basically, I have experienced both extremes, one being time-consumed and one being work-consumed, and now I crave and need a balance of both worlds. So thank you sucky immune system, I got your message loud and clear.

All in all, blogging was a much needed therapy to bring me back to my roots, reflect on some previous posts, and crash me back down to Earth. I can't wait to take tomorrow off and start the week off with a healthy dose of me time, xo

*If you are wondering what this means, my coworker explains sums it up pretty nicely. "You know those movies where there are kids going crazy at a birthday party with like cake all over their face? And then you have those poor employees rocking in the corner or trying to pick up teeny weeny bits of confetti everywhere? Yup, that's what I do." 

LUSTING FOR

I want to travel.

I see all the photos my friends post, documenting their travels around the world. London, Morocco, Korea, Thailand. Just yesterday I had a conversation with two very close friends of mine, one of which who wants to study outside of Toronto. "You have to remember that you're young now, and you may not get these chances when you're older." Friends, family, my boyfriend- these are all reasons I decided that it was best for me to stay at home. Besides, I can hardly even do my own laundry, yet alone survive alone somewhere foreign. But he's right. I can't keep up passing opportunities because I am afraid or because I feel like I will be leaving something behind. Change is scary, but it is also liberating. Perhaps in the new future I can get the courage I need to pursue a life beyond these walls.

                    The world outside Toronto is breathtaking. 

CHRONICLES OF A POST GRAD

The one thing no one ever tells you after completing 5 grueling years of university, is the amount of free time that you have, finally coming to terms with the realization that you are all on your own. If anyone was to ask me what I was up to a few years prior, I could confidently respond with, "Well, I'm in university studying to be a teacher. I'm also working part-time as a sales associate, volunteering my time to helping children write books, and going to start practicum teaching in the next few months...golly gee!" During this period in my life, my time seemed to be so preoccupied and frankly, I loved it. It was as if the less time I had for idle things and taking care of myself, the more productive I was, the greater identity I had. However, fast forward to the present moment and I usually fumble with an answer that sounds a little something like, "Well, uhm..I'm working as an English teacher at a learning center." While at the same time thinking, "I'm still trying to find a full-time job and figure out what to do with my spare time."

You see the thing with time, is that once you have so much of it, you begin to wonder who you are. Student, work, volunteer- these are all things that we identify with. These are labels that tells the world I AM SOMEONE. But minus that from the equation, and strip us down to our basic humanity, and who are we exactly? Over the last 3 months of time away from an institution that once served to be my crutch whenever someone asked me what I was doing with life, I am now realizing a little bit more of who I am as a person. The following includes:

• I love sleeping in, although I always feel a twinge of guilt. The perks of being a part-time teacher is starting work at 4. This means I can stay up binge watching Netflix, and not feel the movie hangover in the morning. My friends always use to see me as an early bird, but I've come to realize I love being able to get 8-10 hours of sleep. Call it selfish, but after waking up early for so long to get to school, I enjoy getting up once the sun is already in the sky to watch morning talk shows and eat my adult breakfast of peanut butter and jelly.
• I am a scheduler. I am constantly in the habit of having to be busy. I even schedule my Duolingo lessons in the morning, right after reading books about teaching, and a guide to ESL I never got around to look at in my last year of university. And while it is a good thing to be organized, I would love to master the art of doing nothing. However, knowing me, I will most likely have to schedule in that too. 
• I enjoy working out. I may not be your next gym buddy, but I actually crave my 30 minute Fitness Blender or XHIT Daily exercise routines. I've also realized that 30-40 minutes is my limit. Anything past that seems like a nuisance and sucks away my happiness.
• If I had to live by myself, I would probably not starve. The kids on Master Chef may put my cooking skills to shame, but I can survive on my cooking alone. #adultwin
• I am very sensitive. I put a lot of value in my friends, family, work and religion and when one of those things do not live up to my expectations, I tend to get quite hurt. I realize that when things do not go my way, I am more likely to cry then to buck up and face it. Regardless, to me, being sensitive shows that I care, that I am able to feel. And that is very important to who I am as a person.

In conclusion, time is a wonderful resource for a post graduate but it can also make you question things that you never once thought about before. I like who I am now, and I am sure I will like who I will continue to be in my post graduate life, xo

THE PROBLEM WITH

Rejection.

The word itself is difficult to follow with a proper definition but to sum it up personally, it is my one greatest fear.

Yesterday, as I heard the priest repeat the words of "you do not belong to this parish" I contemplated the irony of crying in front of  a priest. I mean c'mon now, if you were to cry in front of anyone you would want it to be in front of someone who would hold no judgment towards you or condemn you into further agony right? Nevertheless I managed to keep my cool and my tears intact as I tried to politely explain that just because I did not attend church, did not make me any less Catholic than my peers. It is true, however. I didn't belong to this particular parish and the only reason why I sought comfort in this priest was because my old parish had no records of me attending church. At last, rejection upon rejection, I fear that I will never be memorable enough. And for now, I am giving this whole teaching in the Catholic board a little bit of a break.

See the problem with being so positive all the time is it is exhausting. It is mentally, physically and now spiritually draining. If being happy demands to be felt, it surely does take effort. The frustration in it all, however, is when things do not go your way. And yes, c'est la vie. But it would be sure nice to catch a break for once. For doors to open up for me, like they do for everyone else.

I am allowing myself to be sad, mainly because I am discouraged and because happiness is a constant habit I feel like I always need to keep up with. I've had two experiences with how happiness affects others: one in which one of my fellow teachers remarked "I have never met anyone as happy as you! It's wonderful!" and the other "How are you always happy? Meds (haha?)" You can obviously tell which teacher was more pessimistic. Happiness can be taxing to others, and even especially to the person, so why bother?

The problem with happiness is for me, it is still a struggle. It is easier to get up out of bed and hate going to work. It is easier to be angry with my church, than it is to forgive it. But I know that the roads less taken, are often the greatest journeys.

I'll come back fighting, I'll come back more determined than ever.

The problem with happiness is...

nothing.