At Ends

Boiling down to my last year in my university experience and holy hell, I am now starting to succumb to my very worst fears...is this what I want to do with my life?

Having heard countless confessions from my friends, I've always had the reassuring confidence that yes, I definitely want to be a teacher when I grow up. Well I've grown up, and does that statement still hold true? The simple fact of the matter is yes, well of course I imagine myself giving only the best lessons while balancing my social life with my life in the classroom. But the question is, am I cut out for this?

Seeing as I always compare myself to my fellow peers in my program, I only feel discouragement and worry knowing that my experience working with kids fails in comparison to many others. Counselor at camp? Heck no, my parents couldn't even afford to send me to one as a kid. Taught abroad? I can't even do my own laundry. Any paid experience whatsoever working with kids? Does selling children winter coats count?

The truth of the matter is, how do I even know I enjoy teaching? In all honesty, although student teaching a grade 1 classroom brings so many heart warm memories, these thoughts are also accompanied with late night lesson planning and dreading to wake up in the morning. And at this point I really can't tell....do I hate what I do? Or do I just lack the self-confidence for it?

This week, this theory has been tested as I recently got an interview as a group facilitator for after school activities around the GTA. The program sounded awesome- develop team building games for children that helped them to develop their social skills and character traits- only...it came with a catch. For the second part of my interview I would have to develop an activity to teach10 people competing for the same position as me.Talk about pressure. So now, I just don't want to go through it.

And here's why:

1. I am socially shy and usually blush at any chance to stand in front of an audience...so throw me in front of people my age/older competing for the same job and I'd be a trembling tomato.
2. I really don't feel like lesson planning...does that suck or what? That's pretty much what my job entails me to do and I dread it. (So does that mean I shouldn't be a teacher?)

I feel like my desire to not go through with this interview is due to either of this options...or maybe (probably) both of the reasons mentioned above. Socially awkward? Check. Lazy at the moment? Double Check. And yes, I want to teach yooooooouuuuurrr children! (woohoo)

So in all honesty, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm scared, lazy and frankly really anxious not knowing if teaching is what I can commit myself to do. Maybe I just need more experience being a group leader in a safer setting? But wasn't that the whole point of applying for this job? 

I seriously need to spend some quality zen-time with myself and reevaluate my plan. Because right now, I'm at ends.xo