B9. MILK AND HONEY

Milk and Honey is a collection of poetry and prose written by Rupi Kaur. The book is divided into four parts titled: the hurting, the loving, the breaking, and lastly the hearing. Each section is comprised of fitting poems and writings that take the reader through each experience and allow the reader to reflect and make sense of Kaur's words in their own away. Abuse, neglect, rape, feminism, sexuality, love, loss, enlightenment- these are just some of the few themes Kaur's treads the waters of. Here are a few of my favourites:

when my mother was pregnant 

with her second child when I was four

i pointed at her swollen belly confused at how

my mother had gotten so big in such little time

my father scooped me in his tree trunk arms and

said the closest thing to god on this earth

is a woman's body it's where life comes from

and to have a grown man tell me something 

so powerful at a young age

changed me to see the entire universe

rested at my mother's feet

This is my first time owning and reading an entire book of poetry. I love the minimalism in both her writing and the illustrations. I love being able to reread the poem in different ways to try and decipher the message or tone she is trying to convey. I love the fact that this can be reread again and again and again and again, no matter what point in life you are at. I love that she takes very difficult and draining issues in very real and direct ways, yet condenses such powerful words into a few lines. I know I stretched the time out to read this collection but it is because I wanted to savour every poem. This book will be one I will keep returning to on my shelf.

M5. M6. NARUTO

I'm a big anime nerd, I admit it. I would call myself an otaku but after discovering the negative connotation behind this label in  Wrong About Japan (see below), I'll venture away from that particular term.

There isn't much to say about these two movies, other than the fact that they function as  means of delaying myself from watching Naruto subbed on Crunchy Roll. I've been feeling particularly lazy to actually keep my full attention on every episode, especially since I'll be watching it in Japanese. Plus, I'm about 400+ episodes into the series as a whole and I've grown accustomed to the English voice actors.

Both movies are extremely corny and quite "extra." It's like watching 3-4 filler episodes in a row and then calling it a "film." My brother hated both but I remain indifferent. You got your wholesome, goofy, and sacrificial hero trope, what more can you ask for?

B8. WRONG ABOUT JAPAN

Wrong About Japan is a biography revolving around the adventures of Peter Carey and his teenage son, Charley, as they travel around Japan both debunking and supporting common assumptions about Japanese culture and animation.

As a writer, Peter Carey becomes intrigued about Japanese culture, in particular manga and anime, when his son Charley becomes thoroughly obsessed with Akira, a popular Japanese anime based on motorcycle gangs and a gothic-looking protagonist. Sparked by their love and curiosity, both father and decide to travel to Japan with Peter promising Charley not to show him the "real Japan" (quaint houses, samurais, and artistic performances based on Japanese traditions, hot springs, etc.) although that is exactly what he gets.

Upon arrival, Charley admits to his father that he has been developing a friendship with a teenager in Japan, and in exchange for letting him practice his English, he would show the duo around. His name is Takashi, and he looks completely like he has been taken right out of a Gundam episode. Father is not impressed.

As their adventure continues, Peter visits and interviews the animators of such television shows as Gundam Wing and even meets Miyazaki, producer of some of my favourite films like Spirited Away. He meets them riddled with questions but soon becomes deflated upon hearing the truths behind these world-acclaimed animations. Peter is set in his ways that there is always a deeper meaning behind every anime. For example, he concludes that putting teenage boys in charge of big robotic mobile suits exemplifies autonomy, especially at a stage in one's life that seems controlled and confusing. Mr. Tomino, in fact states that the anime was made in order to sell robots to young children. *whomp whomp (cue disappointment).

Experience after experience, more disappointment is met by Peter. He blatantly offends Takashi after choosing to spend the night analyzing My Neighbour Totoro with a friend instead of visiting Takahi's grandmother's house for dinner. Charley despises anything "authentic" the dad tries to do including bathing with him in a hot spring. And who can blame him? The only little piece of salvation is at the end when the duo gets to meet with Muyazaki. Speaking very little English the two groups find themselves connecting through art, with the producer amusing them and showing them his drawings to make them laugh. In fact, I dare to argue that this is the most enriching experience for the couple because Peter is not obsessed with asking critical questions. He is simply there, enjoying Japan with his son.

I relate a lot to Peter, I really do. Having grown up watching anime and reading some manga books here and there, I always tend to try to delve deeper into the meanings and history behind the stories. Call it the flaw of an English major, but I tend to over indulge myself by finding symbols that may or not be there or explanations for things that are plainly put. And I love it. I think that is one of the many reasons why I love reading so much. It really can be a game of inception. Of course the game can also be being too distracted about trying to uncover these facts that it detracts away from a good story or simply put it is like being Wrong About Japan.

Fun Fact: A geta is a Japanese clog that has a heel indirectly on the end and/or toe of the sandal. Contrary to popular belief, this type of shoe actually makes it easier to walk on mountain terrain and not harder like most people would assume. I guess that explains why samurais wear this type of footwear in all the anime I've watched. Mind blown.

B7. RICH DAD POOR DAD

Rich Dad Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki was a book given to me after assisting a friend assemble and organize his bookshelf for his new apartment. I had heard about it in my past, especially when my boyfriend was in the midst of working for Primerica. Known as almost the foundation or "finances for idiots" book, I was intrigued to give this reading a shot. I was in debt (still am), broke (still am), and ready to change my spending habits (working on it). Could I learn something?

Simply, yes. I did learn some very good life lessons, strategies, and definitions of words I vaguely knew. For example the books teaches you the difference between an asset and a liability (although his idea is very controversial), why education is important and yet not as important as we think, and essentially how to make your money work for you versus how to work for money. I mean, the book definitely struck a chord with me. Growing up, I have been witness to 2 immigrant parents who are STILL working hard to this very day. My mom does the 9-5 job, working as a part-time cleaner on her days off, and still seems to struggle to pay the bills. It's true. The more you make, the more you're taxed. And the more you make, the more you need to keep on making to pay for your expenses.

In summary here are some of the many things I learned from Robert Kiyosaki.

• Pay yourself first. This way you are motivated to learn about how to make money. It also puts the power into your own hands instead of the government's.
• Know the difference between an asset and a liability (in this case he calls his house a liability).
• Winners don't play it safe. He basically refers to mutual fund and saving a percent of your paycheque as playing safe. You need to learn to invest.
• Find something you are passionate about and have money generated from that. The more passion you have, the more interested you are in learning.
• Winners lose but losers are afraid of losing. It keeps them from even trying.. I guess it's better to fail than to never try at all.
• Learn from others, especially people who are more educated about a certain area than you are.

I can assure you there are many more things I learned but it is too late in the night to critique them all. So while this book has its cons, it has motivated me to become financially educated. And that I say is the best investment of all.

M4. DEADPOOL

Deadpool, hands down, my favourite Marvel movie of all time. Quirky, fun, hilarious, brusque, unapologetic, sarcastic, and uncensored: all the ingredients needed for success.

Don't let the red and black spandex covered character fool you. He isn't your average Spider-Man. In fact I wouldn't even classify him as being a superhero. He's just a guy saving his girl, in the most conventional, non-conventional way possible.

B6. THE COURTESAN

The Courtesan by Alexandra Curry centers on the real-life story of Sai Jinhua. The author reimagines her life set in 1881 and writes as to how she thinks her life would have unfolded. With her the death of her father at the age of 7, Jinhua is sold into prostitution by her cruel stepmother. At the working house she meets Suyin, the closet maternal figure she has in her life, who not only teaches her the ways of a lady, but swears to protect and guide her. Soon after her 12th birthday, she is bought as a child-bride by a rich lord who believes she is the reincarnation of his now-deceased concubine. She travels to Vienna where clashes between the West and the East become all too apparent. This is once again a true story of love, lost, and angst.

Curry's writing first enticed me because she reminded me of the writing styles and techniques of Khaled Hosseini, my favourite author (see below). The first few chapters are beautifully written and focus on Jinhua father's death as well as the events proceeding after it. Her father is beheaded because he "speaks the truth" to the emperor and still after completing this book, no one knows what this truth is. Even the executioner knows he is innocent; the birds do too.

What follows after is very tragic. Jinhua, who idolizes her father, has to bear witness to her father's name being slandered, and is soon sold to a cruel master to work as a prostitute. Everyday she paints a faint red line across her neck, mourning the death of her father. The binding of her feet, a very popular Chinese tradition at the time, was probably the hardest thing to read.

After her time in the working house, the story for me personally, begins its decline. As stated, she moves to Vienna and there she is excited by a priest's fortune that she will meet a "great love." The story loses a lot of interest near the end but it did prompt me to do more research on this remarkable woman.

My thoughts on this book mirror how the Chinese see Jinhua. Some praise her as being a hero in the Boxer Rebellion and others not so much. I think this book has its moments and for a while, I couldn't put it down (even to sleep). Revisiting a whole new world and time in a book has been enriching and reading from what could be considered a marginalized voice is now even more enticing.

B5. BETTER THAN BEFORE

Gretchen Rubin's Better Than Before was- dare I say- a letdown in comparison to her book The Happiness Project. Mind you, I didn't particularly love that book either. It was forgettable, repetitive, and quite frankly mundane. However, Better Than Before, just leaves me a little baffled. I am someone who likes happy, neat endings. Tied up in a perfectly done bow. And with this, I wasn't really sure if I walked away with a better understanding of why I create habits, and more importantly how should I sustain them (which I think was the point of this book?)

Rubin does offer some helpful classifications of people who form habits. Quite simply put, there are people who: can meet external and internal expectations, meet the expectations of others but cannot make healthy habits for the sake of themselves, those who only set goals for themselves and hate external deadlines, and then there are the rebels- those who do neither, and frankly find the challenge in doing what people expect them not do.

And I think that's the most I got out of this book. To tell you the truth, I don't think I can classify myself into any of these categories. I'm a little bit of both. I do things largely for myself and my sanity, but when really driven I am a person who aims to please. Then again, make me mad, and I will do exactly the opposite of what you want me to do.

What made this book really hard to digest is there are just so many factors, so many probabilities, and options. I don't think anyone can be summarized into one type of person but even so, there were no real helpful strategies I can remember from the book (and I only just returned it today).

What I do remember, however, is this: Rubin wants to be more mindful and so sets the alarm clock to do meditation in the morning. She keeps up this routine and it seems like she is forming a habit. But then wait...at the end of the book she questions herself as to whether she really enjoys doing this habit (even if it a healthy one...which she constantly encourages). And then gives it up? I'm not sure. I honestly cannot remember.

She also suggests other things. Including going on a low-carb diet and how working out does not result in losing weight. She also uses a plethora of references, quoting psychiatrists, philosophers, and I wouldn't even be surprised if she included something from the cat. I started to wonder whether there was any cohesiveness in the book or if she just weaved a whole bunch of people's theories together.

I know I learned a few things but I just do not remember. What it did make me realize is that it is easier to pick up a bad habit (watching 5 hours of Netflix) versus developing a healthy one (going to the gym). One requires little attention and effort, while the other is less convenient. And it's about making that habit part of your daily routine that will enable you to practice this habit over and over again. It is about NOT making a decision. (We don't decided whether to brush our teeth or not...we just DO).

How one actually does that...well that's another topic. One clarified, perhaps, in a different book.

B4. MY MOTHER'S SECRET // M2. ZOOTOPIA M3. ALLEGIANT

Nobody is perfect and since no one ever reads this blog, HECK, I can compile all the books and films I read/watched into one month who no feeling of guilt whatsoever! So here it goes. The books I have read thus far and films I have watched (minus my subpar reviews).

1. My Mother's Secret: interwoven stories comprised of the hidden life of a Jewish family and a German solider all housed under a Polish woman by the name of Franciszka and her daughter, Helena. The book is fictional but the protagonists are surely not. Together they saved 15 Jews in Poland during Hitler's reign. Lovely short read.
2. Zootopia: So much could be said about this film and it's underlying themes, but I do not have time to do it justice. Besides being a well-animated, engaging, and often times funny film, it is a great film to watch no matter how old you are.
3. Allegiant: With the Divergent enthusiasm sizzling out, it was either this or Batman vs. Superman. Considering I already read the whole series, I figured it would be best to see how the whole franchise ends. The movie is nothing but a film, not short of the super high-tech, futuristic gadgets you'd expect to see. Not bad, not bad.

WITH THE SEASON

Today came with a sudden boom, a tidal wave, more like a...what's the term? Out of left field? (I had to google that one)

They say that when one door opens, another one opens. I hope this is true in my situation. It's crazy that after 3 years of devoting myself to a field in which I thought I would never be in could just suddenly came to a halt. "That's life" is a line that seems to be circulating amongst many tongues.

From the space bursting with hustle and bustle, coffee grinding, happy customers and loud indie music, juggling x20 different deadlines and goals, being so pumped to finally have interns supporting me, being genuinely happy going to work...not for the pay or the hours, but solely because of the people I loved being surrounded by and knowing that I was working towards achieving something good. I finally found my perfect mix of combining my passion of supporting youth in education and being an organizational freak (in the best possible way). No pressure, no set hours; to tell you I never once watched the clock or complained about never having a designated lunch break. I was having fun. Whoa. Work with fun? Who knew?

And now I'm just a little scared; a little scared that I am not going to find that joy again.

I get it when I'm teaching sometimes...when it's not mixed with anxiety and fear. But THIS is what I could see myself doing years into the future. And now I'm worried about what I'm supposed to do. Go back to school to get a diploma for this and gamble with more OSAP debt? More opportunities to be shut down because the lack of funding? Maybe not all places are like this one. What if not all places are as fulfilling as this particular job?

This was the first place where I didn't feel like I HAD to do anything. I did it because I LOVED it. And now, the portal doors have closed. Literally.

I hope as with always, this is a season of change. I hope I can work with this rather than against this. I hope I can find something as rewarding as this. One foot in front another, one step at a time, and all the other metaphors you can think of.

That's life.

IN WHICH YOUR CAREER DEFINES YOU

When someone asks you, "What do you do for a living?" what is your response? Do you st-st-stutter looking for an appropriate response that lies between a truth and a lie? Something along the lines of, "I'm still doing some soul searching, but I am keeping very busy doing X, Y, and Z." Or perhaps you are one of those fortunate individuals who have "found their calling" for lack of a better description. Eager and booming with pride to tell others how your job changes lives, makes you enjoy waking up in the morning, integrates passion with ingenuity. Or maybe you lie somewhere in the middle; a little unsure about when your next job prospect will immerge, but hopeful, yes very hopeful.

See the problem with this scenario is not the answer you give, but the question itself. "What do you do for a living?" This question seems simple to us, but does not imply that the sender wants to know what your job is. Frankly, they would be better asking, "What do you do from 9am-5pm?" (If you're lucky enough to have full-time hours and in this economy who are we kidding?) The prying individual wants to know what you do and what you do is not always correlated with what you make or what you work as.

When did our career start to define us? Why does a career have to be an all-encompassing title? Why all the pressure? What about all the things people outside their job? The lives they change in their daily interactions, their causes and concerns, their adventures vast and small, who they are as GOOD people? That matters too.

Don't get me wrong. A rewarding career is a goal worth pursuing. In fact, it can act as the catalyst to finding a "living." But the trap, if we should fall into it, is the belief that a career is the only way to lead a meaningful life. The only thing we should take pride in. Reality is, we must learn to find purpose outside our employers, outside the Marxist world. Find what you do; no better, who you are. And yes there is a difference.

Make a list of things you do each day that are individualistic and unique to you. Things that bring you and the ones around you joy. Who said pastimes and hobbies don't make up who you are? When did we start being ashamed to say that bring a painter, reader, a good friend are things we love to do? Because ask anyone and yes, these take energy too. So when the next person asks you, "What do you do for a living?" you can hit them with a bunch of things you do to make life incredible. To make your life incredible.

In which a career defines you, well I don't believe in that.

B3. A THOUSAND SPLENDID SUNS

I feel foolish to admit but in all my years of reading I have never fully devoted myself to reading all the written books of one particular author. My routine usually consisted of finishing a given book and then jumping onto Goodreads to find out what was the latest buzz on what everyone else was reading. That is, until I picked up my first book from Khaled Hosseini.

I stumbled upon his first and most famous book "The Kite Runner" at my job. We were having a massive book exchange and his novel just happened to be on the top of the overflowing bin with countless others. My boss encouraged me to take whatever I liked and having heard that title somewhere before, I decided it might be worth a shot to read it. Of course, without my fellow expertise from Goodreads urging me to start the narrative, the book lay dormant on my shelf for a few weeks.

Until boredom struck. And then I was hooked.

Khaled Hosseini is not just an author, he is a storyteller (and yes, there is a difference). Hosseini writes as if he is telling you the story and it brings to light some of the significances of keeping oral storytelling alive. Reading his work is like floating on water, it's gentle and you ride the current with ease, following wherever the plot may take you. Now, that isn't to say that there aren't a few bumps along the journey. In fact, his book "A Thousand Splendid Suns" probably has its fair share of tidal waves...no better yet, tsunamis. But it is something in the way he writes, something in which he is able to connect words on a page together, that make his writing so alluring and artistic.

I will not dive into "A Thousand Splendid Suns" into full detail because I know I would not do it justice. All you need to know, is that you must read it. As a short introduction, the book primarily focuses on two characters, Mariam and Laila, who develop an unlikely mother-daughter bond after dealing with abandonment, domestic abuse, and a shift in women's rights during the war in Afghanistan. Their stories are of heartbreak and loss, but even more so, of finding a place in society and in the familial unit. If you are looking for a love story, you won't find one until the middle/end of the book. But it is a love story most needed after witnessing the horrifying events preceding it. And it was beautiful.

And so I will leave my review as that and let Hosseini do the rest. Because it is worth going through the storm to reach the calm shore at the end, or at least a gentle bob in the water. The book is worth the read.

B2. THE LIFE-CHANGING MAGIC OF TIDYING UP

I was elated when my I unwrapped Marie Kondo's beautiful little hardcover book "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing." Partly mystified that my boyfriend had listened to what I wanted for Christmas and had chosen the correct book, I could hardly hold in my excitement to delve into the art (yes art) of tidying and cleaning.

On the surface, the book seems to attract those who need to declutter their house. Perhaps you are the kind of person who holds on to everything, whether it be sentimental or not, although it may have lost its purpose of functionality. Perhaps you want to start the new year with a "fresh start" and so am drawn to the book in hopes that Kondo will help you check that one resolution off your list "Clean the house-CHECK." However, after reading about a quarter way through, the book inspires much more than that. I will touch on that later.



In order to help one move forward into the process of decluttering, Kondo offers a few pieces of advice. In fact, she tends to repeat herself throughout the entire book, reminding the reader of a few key strategies that will keep participants from relapsing. Part of the KonMari Method encourages the reader to:

1. Sort by category, not by rooms in the house. We tend to keep the same products in different places in the house and therefore can never really gauge how much stuff we actually have.
2. Clean in the order of: clothing, books, papers, miscellaneous things, and then sentimental keepsakes. Kondo also discusses each category in detail and how to handle almost every item you can think of.
3. Treat your objects with the respect they deserve. Kondo's writing is playful and funny but in fact at times can be quite enlightening. She advises greeting your house with a "Hunny, I'm home!" type of attitude and even recognizes the burden of the bottom sweater of a pile. She prompts you to think of that poor sweater that has been holding up the weight of its brothers and sisters time and time again. (Note: She emphasizes never piling your items on top of one another but instead arranging them vertically to maximize accessibility and care.)
4. Understand fancy storage items are deceiving. You are not actually cleaning but rather just "moving things around." Decluttering is the art of being selective and getting rid of unnecessary things, not simply hiding them away like a bad IKEA commercial.
5. Throw away things that have already filled their purpose. Kondo explains how many participants hold on to souvenirs, letters, and other gifts solely out of guilt. However, the true meaning behind these gifts were to convey to the receiver "I was thinking of you." So once you have read that letter or accepted that gift, the item has already filled its purpose. Throw it out.
6. And finally, possibly the most important thing Kondo encourages, only hold on to items that spark joy. Kondo explains that the pivotal solution to having a clean and happy home, is by only keeping items that make you happy. So how do you choose items that elicit joy? Search your whole house and take every categorical item, lay them out on the floor, and touch each item one by one. Joy is a physical sensation, she states. It is recognizable on a person's face, energy, and body. If the thing you hold fills you with happiness, keep it. This means no opening books to read the words or saying "I might use this later." In a sense, it is about choosing things that make you happy in the present moment; no persuasion needed. She ever goes so far as to say that if her book does not bring you happiness after reading it, toss it into the garbage.

To wrap things up, Kondo's book was very insightful and I have already recommended it to many of my friends and coworkers. Two of them have already received their orders from Amazon and I undoubtedly foresee a few nights of intensive cleaning. The only advice I have for buyers, is to stick with it. Kondo's method works only if you have the guts, ambition, and desire to be ready to part with a lot of things. And for some people, like my relentless mother, this may not be a book for everyone. However, I can see this book being opened again and used in the near future for my personal use. Yes, this book deserves a place on my bookshelf of joy.

M1. THE LUNCHBOX

Even though I technically watched this movie in the last few minutes of 2015, I did ring in the new year still reeling and discussing this movie with enthusiasm to my mother. Hence, I'd like to think this movie's charm and wit traveled through time and space, and stayed with me until 2016. And so commences my 25 Books and 25 Film list with "The Lunchbox."

I had scrolled past "The Lunchbox" countless of times on my Netflix account and had even pressed the play button once or twice to see if anything about the film would pique my interest. Of course, nothing did for at least the first 2-3 minutes. The pace was slow and tired and it felt like the director was stretching the opening scene of  the mundane, everyday life. A steam kettle blowing out too much steam, the sound of oil cracking in a pot, you wipe your hands on your apron; on-off, on-off.
But that is exactly what made the movie beautiful.

"The Lunchbox" does not need any superfluous themes, gadgets, or plot thickeners to make the movie interesting. It cleverly captures how a habitual task of making lunch for a neglecting spouse can turn in a heartwarming story of love, loss, and possibly love again (the movie does not provide us with an answer at the end, nor should it).

At time, the pace of the film will be painstakingly slow. But doesn't that hold true to life? Our life course is not a series of quick action shots, cropped and cut to the next scene, but rather events that lengthen, shape, sever and bind us. We do not simply just "get over" the death of a loved one, a betrayal, or our first true love. We feel it, second after second after second.

Overall, the film is full of cheek-hurting smiles, light laughs, and a few heart drops. The picture and cinematography are beautiful, and there are definitely instances of symbolism that can be explored (if you choose to). On the surface, however, it is a movie worth watching or at the very least, adding to your queue on Netflix.

B1. WOLF BY WOLF (25 BOOKS & 25 MOVIES)

A friend of mine had the ingenious idea of starting a new year's trend to read 25 books and watch 25 films all within the span of 365 days. Actually, the goal was 50 books and 50 films but in my own interest and personal enjoyment I thought it best to set a more attainable target. And so begins the year with book #1.



I actually began reading "Wolf by Wolf" just before the new year began, about the same time I came back from my trip to the Philippines in December. However, I finished it at 1am on January 1st, 2016 and therefore count it as my first book of the new year. I initially read Ryan Graudin's preceding novel "The Walled City" somewhat absently mindedly on my vacation, but quite enjoyed her deviation from the mainstream blonde hair, blue eyed, gender troped protagonists. In fact, "The Walled City", was much inspired by a real settlement in Hong Kong and its characters artistically reflected what life could have been like then and there.

But enough of that book.

"Wolf by Wolf" begins it story in the year 1956, and through a series of flashbacks, follows Yael through her journey to kill Hitler. Yes, you read that right, Hitler. The book again pulls inspiration from some of history's most impacting political figures and eras. Combined with shape shifting, and other elements you would expect to see from X-Men, you end up with an action packed yet sometimes hard-to-swallow novel. I can't deny that I wasn't totally thrown off with Yael's objective to assassinate such a leader, but it did keep my interest throughout the book. I mean, the only outcome plausible was "FAILURE" since I highly doubted Graudin would rewrite history itself. Hitler was eventually defeated, but not by a 17 year old girl, I assure you. But she made it work.
I can't say I didn't shyly maneuver my way around the 13+ reading section, but I can't surely say I will be back to pick up another one of her books. (In my defense "The Walled City" was placed on the front tables of Indigo under a different subtitle. Clever.) But for what it is, for what age group it is meant to target, it was a nice read. However, I didn't get truly invested into the story until the middle, when the plot finally quickened. The subtle romance was also a nice catalyst.
All in all, this was a great read to start my new year. I have a ton of books just piled on my "to-read" shelf that are just waiting to be opened. Who's game?

A LITTLE AFFIRMATION

As a teacher, I am constantly plagued with self-doubt and a little tingle in my heart that can only be diagnosed as anxiety. Am I doing enough? What are their parents thinking? Oh God, Jimmy, stop making farting noises! And more than often, I hate to admit, we teachers get the short end of the stick, hearing "constructive" feedback from parents, colleagues and bosses about how to better our teaching practices.

                                          When all we really want is some R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

Just kidding, although Ms. Franklin was on the right track.

I have been working with a student for the past 2 months, trying to improve her overall writing and training her to use specific skills to work more independently. With her, I try to focus on equipping her with techniques she can use so that she can recognize her own mistakes and attempt to correct them. I realized from day 1,  she was a student that needed to be monitored to be kept on track. However, because I am only with her once a week for one hour, there was no way for me to ensure she stayed focus and put in the effort I knew she was capable of. So although I had a very crunched 1 hour split between 3 students, I made sure to review her book summaries with her, have her correct her own mistakes, allow her to self-reflect or "mark" herself on how she thought she did and what she could improve on and go over some ways to perform close reading and how to use context clues to help decipher correct answers. Over the next few weeks, she has asked me to take the time in class to self-edit her own work and has grown so much more independent. Her sentences are clearer and we are now working on her oral summaries. Overall, she has made such progress.

As I worked with her today, she made sure to remind me that her mother wanted her to finish all her homework in class. However, with her needing additional support, we failed to complete one worksheet. "Oh shit," I thought, "I hope her mom won't be pissed." As my day ended, she scurried to my classroom and told me very proudly that she got 100% on all 5 tests that were administered after the class. Note: These were on the worksheets we worked on together prior. I was so happy for her and not knowing the proper etiquette, high-fived her and told her to continue working hard and to be proud of herself. As I packed my bag, her mother shyly came into the room with a bright smile on her face. She greeted me and thanked me wholeheartedly for working with her daughter because she has seen all of her improvements in both her homework here and her grades at school. She continued by giving me a handshake/attempt at a hug/small bow and wishing me a nice weekend.

I am still smiling about this, because a) I've never been bowed to, but found it very common in Korean cultures and more importantly b) Yes, I am doing something right!

So despite the fact that I sometimes doubt myself as I allow my kids to show me their Yu-Gi-Oh cards in the last 5 minutes of class, I am making a difference, and that's what matters. Recognized or not, I love what I do. Hopefully these small little gestures help to affirm the profession I work so hard in and will continue to serve as reminders to better myself, xo

4 MONTH HIATUS

"What day of the week is it? What month is it? Is Obama still the president!?" Are the common questions I ask myself as I slowly lose track of time and foremost, my sanity. (I am happy to say he is still the president, although I am in Canada and should be more concerned with my own country's affairs).

Looking back at my previous blog posts, I chuckle to myself at how much I complained at being NOT busy. "Oh naive child, just wait until January. That's when shit really hits the fan." Is what I would say to myself if I had multiple personality complex with an annoying tendency to talk in third person. But that's another story.

Starting mid January, I started my new year's resolution of saying "YES" to things that scared me. And I think I took my my advice a little too liberally, because well...everything scares me. So on top of adding more hours to my part-time tutoring job, I also added to my plate a new job as a daycare teacher, a new ESL additional qualification course, a volunteer position as an outreach coordinator, a new opportunity as a workshop leader, and becoming a birthday party team member.* Basically, my work week escalated from a mere 11 hour week to a whopping 40-50 hour week. And what I use to consider stressful, became things that I actually looked forward to. That's right, my new added stressors made my actually appreciate what I had before, like my part-time job. Who knew?

I use to pray for a greater power to bestow me with new opportunities to keep myself busy, to give myself some sort of identity. And for the past 4 months, I have both loved and struggled with this new profound lifestyle. I found myself neglecting my health, squeezing in a social life I knew was affecting my energy, and pushing away any "me" time I had (unless taking afternoon naps or binge watching anime counts). Now don't get me wrong. I am extremely proud of myself, and my bank has seen digits that have never graced my TD app screen since I started my account. But if it be any lesson to anyone else out there, the only reason why I have time to write this blog post is because I have a 3 day doctor's order note saying I need to stay in bed because of a virus infection. Yup, my body finally shut me down (literally) and told me to stop working so damn hard.

I'm currently saving up for Europe, so I'm not sure how many hours I can afford to sacrifice, but I know that sacrificing my health and happiness is not worth it. I recently read from an acquaintance, that in this day and age, we usually tend to value multi-tasking but it is single-tasking that we must learn to master. Basically, the more we spread ourselves thin the less effort we can invest into those opportunities that are important. Successful people have to say no to things that don't further their growth. There will always be new pathways for one to forge. As a result, I realize I need to take a step back from what I have been doing and reevaluate if my current schedule is making me stronger or sucking me dry. Basically, I have experienced both extremes, one being time-consumed and one being work-consumed, and now I crave and need a balance of both worlds. So thank you sucky immune system, I got your message loud and clear.

All in all, blogging was a much needed therapy to bring me back to my roots, reflect on some previous posts, and crash me back down to Earth. I can't wait to take tomorrow off and start the week off with a healthy dose of me time, xo

*If you are wondering what this means, my coworker explains sums it up pretty nicely. "You know those movies where there are kids going crazy at a birthday party with like cake all over their face? And then you have those poor employees rocking in the corner or trying to pick up teeny weeny bits of confetti everywhere? Yup, that's what I do." 

LUSTING FOR

I want to travel.

I see all the photos my friends post, documenting their travels around the world. London, Morocco, Korea, Thailand. Just yesterday I had a conversation with two very close friends of mine, one of which who wants to study outside of Toronto. "You have to remember that you're young now, and you may not get these chances when you're older." Friends, family, my boyfriend- these are all reasons I decided that it was best for me to stay at home. Besides, I can hardly even do my own laundry, yet alone survive alone somewhere foreign. But he's right. I can't keep up passing opportunities because I am afraid or because I feel like I will be leaving something behind. Change is scary, but it is also liberating. Perhaps in the new future I can get the courage I need to pursue a life beyond these walls.

                    The world outside Toronto is breathtaking. 

CHRONICLES OF A POST GRAD

The one thing no one ever tells you after completing 5 grueling years of university, is the amount of free time that you have, finally coming to terms with the realization that you are all on your own. If anyone was to ask me what I was up to a few years prior, I could confidently respond with, "Well, I'm in university studying to be a teacher. I'm also working part-time as a sales associate, volunteering my time to helping children write books, and going to start practicum teaching in the next few months...golly gee!" During this period in my life, my time seemed to be so preoccupied and frankly, I loved it. It was as if the less time I had for idle things and taking care of myself, the more productive I was, the greater identity I had. However, fast forward to the present moment and I usually fumble with an answer that sounds a little something like, "Well, uhm..I'm working as an English teacher at a learning center." While at the same time thinking, "I'm still trying to find a full-time job and figure out what to do with my spare time."

You see the thing with time, is that once you have so much of it, you begin to wonder who you are. Student, work, volunteer- these are all things that we identify with. These are labels that tells the world I AM SOMEONE. But minus that from the equation, and strip us down to our basic humanity, and who are we exactly? Over the last 3 months of time away from an institution that once served to be my crutch whenever someone asked me what I was doing with life, I am now realizing a little bit more of who I am as a person. The following includes:

• I love sleeping in, although I always feel a twinge of guilt. The perks of being a part-time teacher is starting work at 4. This means I can stay up binge watching Netflix, and not feel the movie hangover in the morning. My friends always use to see me as an early bird, but I've come to realize I love being able to get 8-10 hours of sleep. Call it selfish, but after waking up early for so long to get to school, I enjoy getting up once the sun is already in the sky to watch morning talk shows and eat my adult breakfast of peanut butter and jelly.
• I am a scheduler. I am constantly in the habit of having to be busy. I even schedule my Duolingo lessons in the morning, right after reading books about teaching, and a guide to ESL I never got around to look at in my last year of university. And while it is a good thing to be organized, I would love to master the art of doing nothing. However, knowing me, I will most likely have to schedule in that too. 
• I enjoy working out. I may not be your next gym buddy, but I actually crave my 30 minute Fitness Blender or XHIT Daily exercise routines. I've also realized that 30-40 minutes is my limit. Anything past that seems like a nuisance and sucks away my happiness.
• If I had to live by myself, I would probably not starve. The kids on Master Chef may put my cooking skills to shame, but I can survive on my cooking alone. #adultwin
• I am very sensitive. I put a lot of value in my friends, family, work and religion and when one of those things do not live up to my expectations, I tend to get quite hurt. I realize that when things do not go my way, I am more likely to cry then to buck up and face it. Regardless, to me, being sensitive shows that I care, that I am able to feel. And that is very important to who I am as a person.

In conclusion, time is a wonderful resource for a post graduate but it can also make you question things that you never once thought about before. I like who I am now, and I am sure I will like who I will continue to be in my post graduate life, xo

THE PROBLEM WITH

Rejection.

The word itself is difficult to follow with a proper definition but to sum it up personally, it is my one greatest fear.

Yesterday, as I heard the priest repeat the words of "you do not belong to this parish" I contemplated the irony of crying in front of  a priest. I mean c'mon now, if you were to cry in front of anyone you would want it to be in front of someone who would hold no judgment towards you or condemn you into further agony right? Nevertheless I managed to keep my cool and my tears intact as I tried to politely explain that just because I did not attend church, did not make me any less Catholic than my peers. It is true, however. I didn't belong to this particular parish and the only reason why I sought comfort in this priest was because my old parish had no records of me attending church. At last, rejection upon rejection, I fear that I will never be memorable enough. And for now, I am giving this whole teaching in the Catholic board a little bit of a break.

See the problem with being so positive all the time is it is exhausting. It is mentally, physically and now spiritually draining. If being happy demands to be felt, it surely does take effort. The frustration in it all, however, is when things do not go your way. And yes, c'est la vie. But it would be sure nice to catch a break for once. For doors to open up for me, like they do for everyone else.

I am allowing myself to be sad, mainly because I am discouraged and because happiness is a constant habit I feel like I always need to keep up with. I've had two experiences with how happiness affects others: one in which one of my fellow teachers remarked "I have never met anyone as happy as you! It's wonderful!" and the other "How are you always happy? Meds (haha?)" You can obviously tell which teacher was more pessimistic. Happiness can be taxing to others, and even especially to the person, so why bother?

The problem with happiness is for me, it is still a struggle. It is easier to get up out of bed and hate going to work. It is easier to be angry with my church, than it is to forgive it. But I know that the roads less taken, are often the greatest journeys.

I'll come back fighting, I'll come back more determined than ever.

The problem with happiness is...

nothing.

A MASTER IN ANYTHING, WAS ONCE A BEGINNER IN SOMETHING

"A master in anything, was once a beginner in something" has always been one of my favourite quotes as a teacher. Flashback to my grade 6/7 practicum, I wrote this quote on the board when my associate teacher asked me to find a saying that resonated with me for the "quote of the day." And while most of my students failed to comprehend or rather, care for this simple saying, I found that the quote was in fact more of a reminder for me to face each day ready to learn and make new mistakes.

This quote is a constant daily reminder to me, that at 23 I am most likely not going to be a master in...well, anything for that matter. And while there may be this fabricated illusion that things come "naturally" for others, born talent and inherent abilities are not enough to make you great at something. Being a master in anything requires dedication, practice and hard work. It takes patience and an ability to accept that mistakes are inevitable. It takes time.

So even though I still feel as I may not be a great teacher just as of right now, I know someday I will be. And the first step to achieving this, is to forgive myself for making mistakes. Simply put, sometimes you have to taste defeat in order to appreciate success. Or as Drake puts it, you gotta start from the bottom to get "here." Whenever "here" is for you.

In conclusion, be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that you are doing your best at your own pace and one day you will succeed. And one day you will look back at your mistakes and see them as little brightsides xo,